I think I really understand your husband has a problem with alcohol and all alcoholics lie. I have work with alcoholics for a very long time. Until the get into recovery they beleive their own lies. You need to understand addiction in order to help addicts.
This is a logical and very necessary first step. Before you can learn how best to help a struggling addict or alcoholic, you need to understand the nature of addiction. There are several models of addiction that attempt to describe what it is and why it affects people, but none of those models are entirely accurate. Many people have heard of the disease model, which does a fairly decent job of describing what we see in the real world. For example, even addicts or alcoholics who have stayed clean for several decades can relapse and be right back to their old level of consumption within a matter of days.
Also note that addiction can affect potentially anyone, including those who:
-Have no apparent genetic predisposition for addiction or alcoholism
-Have very little environmental risk
-Have no moral shortcomings or laziness about them
Even if you do not believe in the disease model, learning more about how it works is a necessary foundation in learning about how you can potentially help a struggling addict or alcoholic. If you want to know how to help alcoholics then you need to learn about the condition.
#2 - Get help yourself in order to help the addict
We cannot control a drug addict or an alcoholic, but we can control our own behavior-including how we behave in relationship to a sick and suffering (and possibly manipulative) addict or alcoholic. Therefore, the best thing that you can do if you want to help someone in your life is to get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. The people there can listen to your situation and give you the best specific advice on how to go about handling things. Educating yourself on how to set limits and boundaries is one of the most important things that you can do in this case.
#3 - Establish boundaries and set limits with the addict
One example of setting a boundary is telling a close friend that you prefer they not be around you if they are drunk or high. Notice that it is specific, and you have to sit down and communicate this type of request explicitly with someone. Setting a boundary like this is difficult because there is this tendency to hurt other's feelings. But that is part of what is keeping you sick-caring more about this person's feelings than your own personal well being. Setting boundaries is about putting your own personal well being first, and letting that be a guiding example of how to live. You know you are setting effective boundaries when you are taking back control of your own life and starting to regain your own sanity-instead of being all wrapped up in the problems of a struggling drug addict or alcoholic. This is a crucial distance you must learn to keep when learning how to help a recovering drug addict. This means to take care of yourself. Go out with a friend or take a class you always wanted to take.
#4 - Confronting the addict
Any time that you casually approach this struggling addict or talk with them about the possibility of getting help is an example of an informal intervention. This might not sound like a very useful option compared to a more formal and organized intervention, but nonetheless it can be very effective. Does this mean that you should pester someone incessantly until they get clean and sober? Probably not. Helping an addict is never that straightforward. But you should never give up hope on them, and you should have a consistent message for them without badgering them. Make sure they know that help is available for them if and when they want it.
#5 - Organize a Formal Intervention
This is what most people think of when they hear the term "intervention," where the friends and family of an addict all get together and confront that person together and urge them to get help. This is not necessarily the best choice though. There is a lot of evidence that an addict or alcoholic will only change when they personally come to their own point of surrender. A formal intervention does not bring a person to this point. Many would argue that the intervention would only work if the person is already at this critical point of surrender. Nevertheless, some formal interventions have been successful at persuading people to get clean and sober.
Alcoholism in marriage does cause many problems for everyone involved. However, as a partner of an alcoholic the most important thing for you to do is learn to take care of yourself. There are many programs that help you get a grip on your situation and empower you to stop lying, manipulating or making excuses for your love one who is an alcoholic. program like Ala-non teaches you to understand what you do have control over and what you don't. As a support group they help you by guiding you to have more control over your life and your marriage. Just key in Ala-non in any search engine with you city or town name or look for them in the telephone book.