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mindhealer
mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience:  Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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I have been married to my wife for 10 years, the last three

Resolved Question:

I have been married to my wife for 10 years, the last three I've been a contractor in Iraq, only seeing her 7 weeks a year, 2 years ago I had a affair that lasted three days and she is having problems getting over it, she says she needs space and she thinks she needs a seperation. She just interviewed for a job across state at a hosital, it is actually what she always wanted, she works full time and we have two girls ages 7 and 10. I can't stand the thought of seperation more less space, I mean I'm 10000 miles away and it is killing me not being able to talk to her. Help me please
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  mindhealer replied 5 years ago.

mindhealer :

Good afternoon. I'm online and would be happy to help. Just let me know when you're in the room

Customer:

I am here

mindhealer :

Hello. thanks for joining me in the room. Would you mind very much if I asked a couple of questions to gain a better understanding?

Customer:

please go ahead

mindhealer :

Thank you

mindhealer :

You mentioned your wife saying not to text or call and called it stalking...how often do you call or text?

Customer:

your welcome

Customer:

well I admit first thing in the am I do text a little to much, but it's been like three days since the bombshell she told me

mindhealer :

The bombshell about the new job?

Customer:

it's awful lonely on a military base

Customer:

No she just told me about the space she needed and a possible seperation

mindhealer :

Sorry...Thank you for clarifying

mindhealer :

How old is your wife?

Customer:

35, 10 months older than me

Customer:

she currently is a social worker for the county

mindhealer :

ok.

Customer:

but interviewed for a hospital job across state

mindhealer :

The fact that she made note that you are a good father and that she is picking you up at the airport is a good sign but I don't want you to take this as a sign of forgiveness and you setting yourself up for disappointment as that would make things much worse for you both....but it is a start

Customer:

How can we begin to relate if I'm working overseas? I think that this is her way of saying she's serious about moving closer to her moms, but it hurts to see our relationship hit botXXXXX XXXXXke this. She's a wonderful mother and is true to her vows, but I made the mistake two years ago and I'm scared she will not give me the chance to be around full time again to build the trust back that I lost so quickly

mindhealer :

I would imagine it hurts a great deal and to be perfectly honest with you...with you being overseas so much it's going to be difficult to work through this. Please forgive my blunt response but I feel it important that you are aware of the realities.

Customer:

How do I go about communicating with her without pushing her further away, do I ignore her, make her call me? I do have needs to talk to the kids though and I talk with her mom quite often as well, she loves and adores me also

mindhealer :

May I ask...have you spoken to her about marriage counseling?

Customer:

Yes, her mom has mentioned it to me also, but she says I need to give her some space

Customer:

I am in the process of getting a job back home, family will always be first in my book

mindhealer :

I have to be honest with you and say that I agree with her mother. Your wife is very confused at this point and in my opinion I feel it has more to do with the distance than the mistake you made 2 years ago...though I'm sure that's still in the back of her mind.

Customer:

She has said she loves me but has no answers for me?

mindhealer :

My suggestion at this point would be when she picks you up at the airport address the texting and calls and let her know that you respect that fact that she needs space right now but that you want to work on the relationship and that you're working on getting a job at home to be with your family..she'll respect that. Don't be overbearing with her and just let her know about your intentions as facts and not ultimatums. She likely has no answers for you because of her state of confusion at present.

mindhealer :

The more you puch the more confused she's likely to grow

mindhealer :

sorry...*push

Customer:

It just so happens that it my oldest daughters Birthday and my girls absolutely adore me, I am a great father, she loves me for that, her seeing me with the girls and the intentions of me coming back home and wanting to start over in a new location can't hurt. It can only help things right?

Customer:

It's been a while since I last seen her, of course I would like to be with her, but the best approach is friendship first and if she wants me then she gets me?

mindhealer :

I have absolutely no doubt that you're a great father as it actually shows in your question and the way you speak during our chat. I'm sure you girls adore you. As for you coming home and getting a new job, being there for them, letting your wife know that you are open to doing whatever she needs to reconcile than that will certainly demonstrate to her that your family...her and your girls are your entire life and that's all you need.

mindhealer :

My suggestion for right now is to express to her everything that you just mentioned to me...as well as letting her know that you don't want to pressure her but that you hope that she would be willing to engage in marriage counseling as it's clear that you both love one another as well as the impact it would have on your daughters

Customer:

Thank you for your time, I am a supervisor for KBR and it is awful lonely here in a war zone. I often cry myself to sleep worring about things, I am very passionate and am not scared to show how I feel, I used to hold things back

mindhealer :

You are most welcome. My impression is that they would likely have a mental health therapist there at camp and it wouldn't be a bad thing for you to consider seeing them at least for a few sessions. Is that an option for you?

Customer:

Yes we actually do, that might not be a bad idea

mindhealer :

Im glad you're open to that. May I ask do you have any further questions?

Customer:

No, thank you for your time, you took a great load of stress off my shoulders, ones mind tends to spin wild when unexpected things happen such as this

mindhealer :

I very happy that I could help you and I wish you well. I hope that I have been able to answer your question throroughly and to your satisfaction. If so I would greatly appreciate your clicking the ACCEPT button which would end our chat. I wish you the very very best.

mindhealer :

If you ever need anything in the future you can ask for me by name when typing in a question

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