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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband makes out like I have done something wrong. He is

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My husband makes out like I have done something wrong. He is short with me he wont tell me what I have done wrong and then he leaves the house and goes to friends houses leaving me upset confused. I feel he does this as he just wants to go out. He says that I am controlling but he does what he wants when he wants. I left my job as he was unhappy about me working there. I was a support worker for adults with learning difficulties. I dont know what to do anymore.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your husband is trying to control your behavior by acting angry with you. Refusing to tell you what he is feeling then leaving is a way to withhold himself from you and make you feel upset and blamed all at the same time.

 

Your husband learned this behavior from somewhere. Where ever it was (abused as a child, poor relationship with his mother, parents treated each other this way), he has now brought this pattern of behavior to your marriage.

 

To help the situation, you can try talking with him first. Let him know that you are not comfortable with how he treats you. Tell him that you want the communication to improve between you and that you feel it is fair that you both do this. For example, when either of you goes out, you inform the other person where you will be and when you might be back. It's a two way street.

 

If he will not listen to you or refuses to work on this problem, then you have little choice but to change your own behavior. His refusal means that he does not see his behavior as a problem and does not feel it is his fault. So if you want things to change, then you will need to work on it from your end.

 

You have some choices with what you can do. One, seek therapy. You need the support and someone to help you learn to deal with your husband's behavior. To find a therapist, talk to your doctor for a referral. Or you can search on line at http://www.bacp.co.uk/ or http://www.cpdirectory.com/cgi-bin/index.pl. Maybe after your husband sees you attending therapy, he will consider joining you.

 

Two, you can change how you react to your husband. For example, if he goes out and refuses to talk with you about it, then let it go. But do not inform him when you go out. Keep the same rules for him that he imposes on you. This is not about revenge so much as keeping the same rules in the marriage for both sides. If he gets upset about it, you can say in a calm tone (not angry) that you assumed that was the way he wants it since that is the way he does it.

 

Also, you may want to reconsider allowing him to have an opinion about what you do with your life. If he does not allow you an opinion about his choices but has one about yours, then this is about control. He is trying to control you and run his own life as he sees fit. That creates an imbalance in your marriage.

 

If you try these things, he may begin to get frustrated or upset. And he may consider changing his behavior. Anytime you upset someone's ingrained behavior, they will not like it. But it can influence change. By refusing to allow him to dictate your behavior, it changes the game.

 

Hopefully, he will be more willing to seek help if he can see his own behavior as an issue.

 

Here are some resources to help you:

 

When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships by David Richo

 

The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It by Leslie Vernick

 

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

I hope this helps,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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