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mindhealer
mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience:  Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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My former girlfriend whom I wanted to marry but she chose not

Resolved Question:

My former girlfriend whom I wanted to marry but she chose not to 28 years ago recently contacted my through Facebook. After a few months of conversations she told me she married a man like her father who was abusive. Now after 24 years of marriage, she reconnected with me. I am single and never married, Maybe, because she broke my heat and I avoided love after that. Anyway, I still have feelings for her. But since I read that 95% of marriages that begin in adultery fail, what is your advice. I've been a loner most of my life and do not have anyone to talk to about my situation. She says she wants to leave her husband, but she still has a teenager son that needs her and that she needs some time before she would divorce her husband. Now she says she loves me dearly and regrets not marrying me so ma
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  mindhealer replied 3 years ago.
Good afternoon and thank you for the opportunity to help in answering your question. First please allow me to say that you are truly a gentleman and am sincerely XXXXX XXXXX hear of the difficulty you're going through.

Based on the information you've kindly provided I would agree with you that it would be a very bad idea for you to get involved with this woman right now for a few different reasons. First off she is still married and regardless of her lack of feelings for her husband the situation is fraught with potential problems. The second reason is that starting off any relationship with adultery is essentially a setup for failure and hurt. She may very well love you as she says and probably does but she is also in a highly vulnerable state and craves attention at this point in her marriage so being able to decipher her real emotions would be quite difficult if not impossible.

Another reason is that if she is willing to engage in adultery with you who's to say she wouldn't do it again once you're together. Please accept my apologies for my bluntness but I feel it's important that you are as informed as possible.

My suggestion to you would be to communicate your concerns to her and that you would be open to communicating via email until such time that she chooses to legally separate from her husband.

I would also strongly urge you to consider seeing a therapist in order to have an objective viewpoint on any further issues that undoubtedly will arise with her. It would also be helpful for you to have a therapist to help you process the emotions that are clearly still there given your statement of never having married or moved on from her. I think this will help you to sort things out for you in an attempt to make the healthiest decision for yourself.

I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX I was helpful in answering your question and that you found my suggestions to be of benefit to you.


Please let me know if you have any further questions as I want to ensure your question is completely and thoroughly answered.

If you feel I've answered your question to your satisfaction I would sincerely XXXXX XXXXX clicking the ACCEPT button thereby giving me credit for the answer. I hope this finds you well and look forward to your response.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for your information. My initial "Adultery" was the by product of loving this woman and having not seen her in 28 years. I know that I got carried away but she was willing. Initially in our emails we stated that we would wait, but when we met we or at least I forgot my promise and we had sex. After the initial sexual contact, I mentioned that maybe we should cool the sex part. I feel bad that she might feel that I was using her for my sexual gratification. We live 300 miles from each other and I have only visited three times. Anyway, I have stated that I want to be with her when she gets a divorce and marry her. But, when I suggest not having sex until then, she asked why. She tells me we already did so and why would stopping now help. In regards XXXXX XXXXX husband , he is 68 while she is 50. On a human level, I fell sorry for him, because although the marriage lasted so long, I still would be the responsible for pushing him out of the relationship in his advanced age. I think of the saying "Do unto others" and I wouldn't wnat that to happen to me. Now despite my feelings for a former love, I feel that I am a bad person for thinking of starting a relationship with my fomer girlfriend. I have considered just telling her it makes me feel unhappy that I am the person who has caused her to want to forsake her husband. She told me that she has often thought of me over the years and when she contacted me and found out I had never married, she thught it was a sign that maybe we were meant to be afterall. So should I ask her if she has ever gone to counseling? If she has had, and it did not work, is that a sign that she is acting properly iin pursuing another relationship. I know that it would hurt her very much if I told her that all we can be friends until she gets a divorce since we have already been together sexually, She will probably tell me "Why didn't you tell me that earlier.?" That I have leading her on saying that I loved her. And thoughts like that. Before all this started, I was just a poor slob living alone, minding my own business until she came back in to my life and now everyday is filled with drama and questions and emails. I just want to do the right thing. I don't want to hurt anyone. After reading that 95% of relationships that begin with adultery fail, I am thinking that the entire relationship is now a bust and that I should just change my phone number, move away or some other drastic thing, just so I won't feel bad about hurting someone. Oh well, I guess that is all I have to say. Any more advice would be helpful
Expert:  mindhealer replied 3 years ago.
Thank you very much for the additional information and I can sincerely XXXXX XXXXX point of view regarding feeling responsible for the break up. As for the drastic measures of changing you number or moving I would. Certainly hold off for now.

I can appreciate you not wanting to cause her pain by asking if she'd been in therapy before but my advice to you is to really look out for your own well being. The more you've shared about her the less stable she sounds to be honest with you. If she finds the question about therapy to be offensive and she gets angry or defensive that's a red flag right there. Again I would urge you to see a therapist and not pursue anything physical with her further until such time that you're ready to move forward AND she is separated or divorced. I say this in your best interest.

Please let me know if you have any further questions before clicking the ACCEPT button as I want to be sure you're satisfied with the answer I've provided you. Thank you again for the chance to help you.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I don't think my former girlfriend is unstable as much as she lonely and needing someone to love her. I just wanted to proceed in such a manner that I cause her the least amount of harm considering we have already had sex. I would like to think that I could be a partner to her in the future, but that 95% failure statistics makes me feel it is now hopeless to try.

 

Anyway, like many Americans I do not have Health Insurance. My spending $42 for this consultation was a luxury for me, but I needed to connect with someone to talk aobut it. Can you recommend where a person can go to talk with someone that is free or inexpensive. Thank you.

Expert:  mindhealer replied 3 years ago.
Please accept my apologies for the unstable remarks I made. Her behavior just seemed a bit erratic and your explanation makes much more sense now.

As for seeing a therapist I would suggest your calling you local department of health and ask for their mental health clinic and you should be able to see a therapist through them at a significantly reduced rate if not free. You can also Google PRO BONO COUNSELING PROJECT as they have therapists who should be able to see you for free for a set number of sessions. I hope this helps you further and please let me know if there's anything further I can help you with or answer for you before Accepting the answer. As I mentioned before I want to be certain you're satisfied with the answer and suggestions I've provided you.
mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience: Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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