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Ask mindhealer Your Own Question
mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience:  Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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My husband is an emotional and verbal abuser who refuses to

Resolved Question:

My husband is an emotional and verbal abuser who refuses to admit he has a problem. We have tried marriage counseling and the therapist told us she did not want to be a referee. This is a second marriage for both of us. I'm ready to "throw-in-the-towel." Is there any hope to salvage the marriage?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  mindhealer replied 5 years ago.

Good evening and thank you for the opportunity to help in answering your question. First please allow me to say that I am truly sorry to hear of the difficulty and pain that you have had to endure at the hand of your husband.


As for your question, based on the information you've kindly provided it sounds as though you've made multiple attempts to get him to work though this issue of his verbal and emotional abuse. I realize this isn't part of your question but I think it would be helpful for you to have a better understanding of the typical origin of this form of behavior. Those individuals who are verbally and emotionally abusive often do so as a means of over compensating for a perceived deficiency. They feel as though continually putting their partner down and the verbal assaults will contribute to keeping you in a subservient role (in their eyes) which they feel will keep themselves above the other and in a position of power. They also find that controlling finances and demanding to know their partners every move also contributes to this. I hope you didn't mind my providing you this information...just felt that it would help you to gain a better understanding.


As far as hope to salvage the marriage...a number of variables need to be considered. First and foremost I would strongly suggest that he go into individual therapy in order to work toward the issues or insecurities that are driving these behaviors. I imagine this has been brought up to him and if he is receptive then there would be a possibility of the marriage to be salvaged. Secondly, following his own individual therapy I would strongly suggest marital therapy again in order to try and work through the problems that he has caused due to his behaviors.


My final suggestion is actually independent of the above noted suggestions. It would be for you to consider seeing a therapist individually for two reasons. The first being to help you to work on your level of self worth and self esteem that I imagine he has pushed down as far as possible. The second reason would be if he is not receptive to the above suggested...and that would be for you to decipher what is the healthiest decision for you to make with regards XXXXX XXXXX marriage.


Please forgive my bluntness....but if he is not receptive to the above....individual therapy for himself and marital therapy following...than the chances of him continuing the verbal and emotional abuse are considerably high and I don't perceive him stopping anytime soon which will not only kill your marriage but will also serve to harm you to a significant emotional low. I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX I wasn't too blunt but I felt that it's important for you to have this level of information.


If you decide to see a therapist I would suggest that you contact your health insurance provider and request a referral to see a therapist...or inquire with your primary care physician about a recommendation for a therapist.


I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX I have been helpful in answering your question and that you have found my suggestions to be of benefit to you.



Please let me know if you have any further questions that I can help in answering for you. I want to be certain that I have answered your question completely and thoroughly.

If you feel that I've answered your question to your satisfaction then I would greatly appreciate your clicking the ACCEPT button thereby giving me credit for the answer and suggestions I've provided to you. I hope this finds you well and look forward to your response.




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