Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
It could be that your wife is unable to see herself as part of the problem because she has a personality disorder. She could also feel so hurt by what happened in the marriage that she does truly feel you are the cause. Or she could have low self esteem and seeing that she is part of the problem would make her feel so bad she could not face it. So she blames you instead.
It is a good idea that the two of you see a therapist together. But if she will not go, go yourself. A therapist can serve as a neutral third party to help you objectively sort out the problems in your marriage. The therapist can also help you both see clearly who is doing what so you can effectively sort this out and find solutions. If you go alone to therapy, the therapist can help you find ways to communicate with your wife.
To find a therapist, talk to your doctor for a referral. Or you can talk to your pastor, if you attend church. You can also search on line at http://www.bacp.co.uk/ or http://www.cpdirectory.com/cgi-bin/index.pl.
Here are some other resources to help you:
Communication Miracles for Couples: Easy and Effective Tools to Create More Love and Less Conflict by Jonathan Robinson
We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage (Perigee) by C. Notarius and Howard Markman
You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.
I hope this has helped,
I haven't heard from you. Did you have more questions or want clarification?