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AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
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I need reassurance.

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend doesn't want to communicate. He has lied in the past and I am now insecure/doubtful of his relationship with his ex wife. He promised me he would do anything to reassure me and hasn't been able to follow through with these things. I was so confident before he betrayed my trust more than once. He said only my counselor can help..I agree to a level that I need to work on trusting him again...forgiving completely. He said I am pushing him away, but I didn't get to this insecure state on my own...why shouldn't I expect his support? Trying to get him to see that I continue to have doubt because he continues to say things he'll do, but then if he doesn't follow through gets upset if I mention it. But the things are supposed to be things that help reassure me...like he promised...I feel like I can't count on him emotionally anymore and we can't communicate about it without him shutting down. We broke up and he is the one who contacted me and again said he would support me.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 3 years ago.

AgapeDoc :

Thanks for the opportunity to serve....

AgapeDoc :

I am sorry you are having such a tough time, but I'm glad you contacted me here at Just Answer...

AgapeDoc :

First of all, let me tell you in no uncertain terms that, based on what you posted, you have every right to feel the way you do - IN FACT if you didn't feel this sense of mistrust there would be something very wrong...

AgapeDoc :

Now.... (based on my experience) it seems that one of two things is likely happening here......

AgapeDoc :

1) he doesn't really care about you (ouch! I don't mean to be so blunt, but I must be truthful) but you give him something he needs so he wants to manipulate the situation so that you are still around even when he is not returning love and appreciation to you. This would be why he would in a sense blame you for his transgressions (in essence re-victimize you by putting the burden on you to "fix" your hurt feelings when he was the one to hurt you). By this I am referring to telling you that he can't help you and that you need to work this out with your counselor - WOW!

AgapeDoc :

I know this must be hard to read, but I have had much experience with situations such as this....

AgapeDoc :

Or it could be....

AgapeDoc :

So......

AgapeDoc :

2) he does legitimately love you, but lacks the emotional intelligence and skills to support you. This of course is a better scenario, especially if you want to work things out with him.

Customer:

I'd like to think it isn't the 1st scenario, but sometimes I find myself wondering how he can love me if he can so easily dismiss my needs.

AgapeDoc :

.... it is your (both of you I mean when I say your in this case) job to find out which it is - you two are the only ones that can do this. However, you will likely need the help of a relationship coach. This relationship coach can be a counselor, a therapist, a life coach, or something similar. Find one in your area and whoever you choose, simply explain that you want them to take on the role of a relationship coach and present your situation to him or her.

AgapeDoc :

If your boyfriend doesn't want to participate.... well then I afraid if he doesn't what to put even this much effort into YOU then I very strongly suspect it is number 1 from my above comments and you have your answer for sure at that point.

AgapeDoc :

You are right about your comment regarding him dismissing your needs - Love is a VERB! It requires action, not just words which sometimes mean I like what you do for ME and I'll let you keep giving to me, but all I can give you is verbal affirmation - THIS is NOT enough!

AgapeDoc :

How am I doing?

AgapeDoc :

Please let me know if I can help further.If I have been helpful and provided exceptional service, please don't forget to click on the green accept button

Customer:

Thank you very much.

AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience: Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
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