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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience:  Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
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Todays show is an answer to my prayers, because this is going on in my life right no

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Today's show is an answer to my prayers, because this is going on in my life right now.
My husband is out of the house currently, because we have a toxic environment, and we have a 15 year old son. What I worry about is how much does he know and how do we tell him so that he can come out of this with good mental health?
We have been married for 30 years, at 20 years my husband told me he had been introduced to sex by his brother (5 yrs older) at the age of 9. I'm so lost and confused, every time I go to therapy I feel they are leading to divorce. I loved our family and would have don't anything to help my husband. I feel like an enabler. This has to stop for the welfare of our son and I will do anything that is good for him.

AgapeDoc :

Thanks for contacting Just Answer - I appreciate the opportunity to serve...

AgapeDoc :

Wow! You are certainly dealing with an enormous amount of "stuff" - and the sheer amount would be enough, but not only is it a lot - it is significant!

AgapeDoc :

Well, I can tell you from my experience that while some things don't need to be shared with everyone - secrets, lies, and "white elephants" are NEVER good.

AgapeDoc :

Furthermore... kids would rather be from a broken home than live in a dysfunctional home :(

AgapeDoc :

As I have alluded to, YOU are taking on much of this and the fact is YOU can't do it all. It is commendable to what to help your husband and if the opportunity arises you should support him. BUT it is up to HIM to get the help HE needs. In short.......

AgapeDoc :

YOU DIDN'T BREAK HIM AND YOU CAN'T FIX HIM!

AgapeDoc :

If you are living in a toxic environment, and there is little or no hope for change, it is up to you to end things and move on.

AgapeDoc :

I know this is hard to hear, and it won't be easy by any means! Unfortunately, I must tell you that there is no easy way out of this :( and boy is that an understatement! But the other alternative is even worse :(

AgapeDoc :

I suspect your son doesn't want to continue therapy because he was in the dark on what was going on - I don't blame him. He may want to revisit this once things start to move in the direction of healing.

AgapeDoc :

How am I doing? I imagine that you were hoping for something better. AND... I certainly wish that I could provide it to you - but we both know that answer is just not out there :(

Customer: Should I just keep my son in the dark, or should I confirm his suspension? Is it ok for him not to deal with his angrier right now?
AgapeDoc :

Great questions! I would not keep your son in the dark. Let him know that things are not right - you don't have to go into ALL the tough details, but let him know the general idea of how you all got to this place and what is being done to move forward.

AgapeDoc :

Think about a younger child dealing with some tough news. You would tell him, but you may hold back some details due to his developmental age. The same holds true here - even though he is 15 and can handle more, you can gauge how much he can handle.

AgapeDoc :

Tell him what's going on, how you all got here and what is being done to get you out of the tough situation. Tell him what you think is appropriate and do so conservatively saying that you will revisit this in a few days. This will do a couple of good things for him. 1) give him a sense of control which will be important for him as he may feel he is losing some control over his life right now. and 2) give him time to digest what you have told him - it will be important to not leave him with the impression that once you have told him a little bit that is it. Make it clear that it is a big issue and there will need to be ongoing conversations

AgapeDoc :

As far as him dealing with his anger.... he should be given the opportunity to deal with it now. Otherwise it will just fester. However, give him some leverage on HOW he will deal with it. Again, he will want to have some sense of feeling in control of his situation.

AgapeDoc :

My heart does go out to you.... all of you. This is by no means easy - in fact, I could not overstate the gravity of what you are dealing with. You are to be commended and don't give up on therapy as well as support groups for all of you.

AgapeDoc :

I hope I have helped. Please let me know...

Customer: Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX helped me a great deal. Sometimes we have a feeling about what is the right thing, I had that and just needed to be validated. I have respect for truth and honesty and just have accept it, I'll be happy to take my life back. I know I have done all I can, I'm ready to be moving on, it is the best way to go for myself and our son. Thank so much.
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