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mindhealer
mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience:  Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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I have been having an affair with a married man for over seven

Resolved Question:

I have been having an affair with a married man for over seven years. It started as just sex at the end of a night. Then an occasional hotel room was put in, then it was a drink in the bar. But now after seven years I am getting days away, presents, nights out not involving sex why would he do all this after so long?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  mindhealer replied 3 years ago.

Good evening and thank you for the opportunity to help in answering your question. Based on the detailed information you have kindly provided it sounds as though as of late the gentleman is experiencing a transition in his life. The typical impression would be a midlife crisis but this appears to be different.

 

Given that he has gradually transitioned your affair into a relationship which signifies demonstrating a couple of possibilities. The first that comes to mind is that he may be having difficulties with his wife which is prompting him to want a romantic relationship with you which he isn't getting at home. Given the nature of your relationship and the fact that it has lasted seven years, my impression is that a significant connection has certainly developed between the two of you.

 

Given the aforementioned connection it's not surprising that he would want more than just sex. What a lot of people aren't aware of is that purely sexual relationships often go through this type of transformation if the relationship is frequent and consistent. Feelings begin to develop and one of the individuals begins to want more than just sex...they want intimacy which is either lacking in their marital relationship or they have developed more personal feelings which is a natural progression.

 

My suggestion would be to sit down with him and ask him what has changed in both your relationship with him as well as with his relationship with his wife. My impression is that he has started to develop deep feelings for you which may very well be confusing him just as his behaviors are confusing you. It's critical to know what is driving his behaviors in order for you to determine where you stand in the relationship and the future holds.

 

Regardless of what he shares with you as the reason for his behavior it will likely serve to confuse you further, regardless of the reason given. My suggestion to you would be to consider seeing a therapist to help you explore further your own emotions that will undoubtedly begin to manifest. This should help with any confusion that arises and to help you further work toward what is you want from this relationship as well as what you want for your future.

 

I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX you found my answer to be helpful and my suggestions to be of benefit to you.

 

 

Please let me know if you have any further questions that I can help in answering for you. I want to be certain that I have answered your question completely and thoroughly.

If you feel that I've answered your question to your satisfaction then I would greatly appreciate your clicking the ACCEPT button thereby giving me credit for the answer and suggestions I've provided to you. I hope this finds you well and look forward to your response.

 

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you that is very informative. Just one point you say it is critical to know what is driving him for me to determine where I stand in the relationship and what the future holds. By this I assume you mean either he is driven by some decreasing feelings for his wife or by his increasing deep feelings for me, but which is the better for any kind of future?
Expert:  mindhealer replied 3 years ago.

Good morning. You are sincerely XXXXX XXXXX the response and I'm glad that you found it informative. As for your follow up question, your assumptions were absolutely correct as to what I meant. It will likely be either him having decreased feelings for his wife or increased deep feelings for you.

 

As for any true future for the two of you, my belief is that both need to occur for that to take place. Simply put there needs to exist no confusion on his part regarding his feelings for you and loss of feelings for her. At this stage the most important thing that you can do for yourself is to speak with him about it and get a better understanding about which it is.

 

As I mentioned above, it may not be a bad idea for you to seek individual counseling regardless of the outcome in order for you to make the healthiest decision for yourself.

 

I hope this helps to further clarify my response and suggestions. If you are satisfied with the answer than I would sincerely XXXXX XXXXX clicking the ACCEPT button. Though please feel free to ask any further questions before doing so. Thank you and I hope this finds you well.

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
This is my last question. Surely if he has deeper increasing feelings for me this would automatically decrease the feelings for his wife? Or is it possible to be in love with two people.
Expert:  mindhealer replied 3 years ago.
No problem at all. It is possible to be on love with two people at once. Though its likely that the love he feels for his wife is likely out of guilt that he will be able to work through. It just may take him a little time to work through the guilt given that this is a recent development for him

I hope that addresses all your questions though if there are any other please feel free to ask before clicking ACCEPT. Thank you.
mindhealer, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 693
Experience: Licensed in MD and am also a Board Certified Diplomate (Advanced Practioner) I have over 10 years experience
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