I have been to numerous psychologists, counselors, and psychiatrists, and nobody seems to be able to help me. I don't have much of a selection at the moment, anyway.
My problem is I believe I suffer from depression and anxiety
. I've tried taking medication, but in all honesty, I don't notice the slightest difference in my mood or behavior on any of the types I've tried. It seems more like people normally recieve a placebo effect, instead of anything actually happening. So medication is out, and I need help in my behavior and mindset.
To begin with, I have absolutely no self-control, and no motivation. I'm lazy and mildly overweight as a result. I procrastinate so much, I get really bad anxiety just thinking about the idea of having to do something. I've tried to lose weight, and I can go a few weeks with changes in my diet and with my activity levels. But then, really suddenly, I become incredibly depressed and hopeless, losing the tiny bit of whatever motivation I had, and go back to previous behavior. So the next time I try, I try going slower and making smaller changes. Recently, I've tried simply taking unnecessary sugars out of my diet, because I developed a sugar addiction in the past few months. That failed. I tried to do moderate exercise, dance dance revolution, and it's going okay. My motivation for that is to become very skilled at it, so it seems to be holding up. But even then, I'm not at the level of activity I was hoping for.
I do not have a social life. I've tried making friends, and have been successful. But I can't keep them. I become overwhelmed, and I shut myself away from everyone and pretend they don't exist. I don't know why, but I just get so stressed and worried and I feel so drained that I can't stand being around people too much. I just want to hide in my room, with my computer, and indulge in an unhealthy amount of escapism. All day long I sit on my computer, reading comic books, novels, or watching movies, and TV shows. Sometimes I lay in bed all day, living a different life in my mind. And I try to stop, but I feel overwhelmed by the real world, and I becomed stressed and everything, so I can't. I was told by a school counselor before, that since humans are social animals, being around other people should make me happier. It doesn't. It's stressful and unpleasant. I don't like most people, and as unhealthy as it is, I do feel happier living in my own little world. I don't know what to do about that. I want to be able to enjoy real life, but every time I've tried and put effort into creating a life for myself, it's unpleasant and very stressful. Sometimes I don't care that this isn't healthy, simply because at least I'm happy.
I've never been suicidal, but when I think about the idea of having responsibilities, a career, etc, I feel like simply not existing would be a more preferred option, because I don't think the amount of positive things in my life are worth the amount of negative things in my life. I'm not even a pessimist. I always go into things thinking the best and being hopeful, and I have always imagined that, in a year from the present, I will be happy and have a nice social life, and the ability to cope with stress
. I don't seem to be able to cope with ANY stress. I have a part time job, and I always get anxiety just thinking about having to go into work. I only work two days about, for 4-5 hours a shift, and I freak out about that? I don't even know why. I mean, the job isn't terrible. Just really boring and uncomfortable since I have to stand the entire time. I know I'm really afraid of being bored or uncomfortable in general. And I don't know why. I fixate on how I feel whenever I'm not content and I just get really really anxious for it to end.
I haven't even graduated high school yet. I'm 18, and I was supposed to graduate a year ago, but I couldn't. I do an online school, and I'll try to set up some sort of a schedule to get work done, but I can't keep it up for more than a week or two. And then I get really really anxious most of the time with just the idea of having to do work. So it's quite slow going, because motivation for doing work doesn't pop up all that frequently. I know I need to graduate, because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I couldn't even handle that. But I just think "well, all that means is I get to go to university, which is worse than highschool. And then I have to have a career, which will most likely dictate the majority of my life". And then I get worried about what career I should take because I'm afraid of ruining the rest of my life by choosing something I don't enjoy. There are plenty of things I like, but the idea of having any of those interests as a basis of a career sounds terrible.
I don't know what else to say. And I don't know what to do. Nothing I've been told by anyone has helped so far. Plus most of them didn't care and just wanted the money they earned from "helping". I'm going to ruin my life.