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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience:  Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
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I defriended my brother on Facebook after he was being cruel.

Resolved Question:

I defriended my brother on Facebook after he was being cruel. Now, he has "disowned" my parents and myself and refuses to talk with anyone, but my sister. I have no idea why he won't talk to my parents and it is hurting them terribly. He ignored them on all the holidays. I know he owes them money from when he went to law school, but they don't care about that. It is breaking my heart the way he is treating them. I don't know how to deal with it. I really want to fly half way across the country and punch him in the face for being a self-absorbed jerk. It is making me angry and I can't sleep. I need to come to terms with it, but don't know how. Thank you for your help.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 5 years ago.

AgapeDoc :

Thanks for the opportunity to serve

AgapeDoc :

Let's see if I can help here....

Customer:

I don't think my brother will ever speak to my parents and I don't know how to get over the anger about that.

AgapeDoc :

I have read your post a couple of times now and it is a very tough situation that you find yourself in. This is not completely uncommon with families so don't feel like you are the only one - but I know that doesn't make it much easier....

AgapeDoc :

Now... it seems that you are asking for advice on how to get over your anger, is that right?

Customer:

Yes, because I can't talk to my brother so he will never hear what I need to say to him. I don't want to hate him either. We were very close.

Customer:

I think he will regret one day how he is treating my parents. They are in their 70's and 80's.

AgapeDoc :

This is an emotional issue to say the least. I would point out something that you already know, but it bears repeating here... you can only control yourself. You brother will make his decisions and it will be futile to try and reason with him at this point (based on what you have posted and my experience).

AgapeDoc :

Yes he will regret it (in all likelihood) but there is nothing you can do about it now.

AgapeDoc :

So, what can you do at this point?

AgapeDoc :

Focus on supporting your parents during this time for starters.

Customer:

They keep asking me what's wrong with him. I keep making excuses for him so their feelings aren't hurt any worse.

AgapeDoc :

You can also forgive him. It is not going to be easy - in fact it will take considerable effort. But it is key to your happiness. The fire in your belly is not burning him - but it is burning you.

Customer:

but why isn't burning him? how can he just stop caring?

AgapeDoc :

It has helped my other clients to read some books on forgiveness - the best being sacred literature.

AgapeDoc :

He may be suffering - and I suspect he is. But it's not your anger that is hurting him.

AgapeDoc :

My guess is he is dealing with some tough issues of his own. Maybe feelings of inadequacy ??? I couldn't say for sure except to say that it is common to find out later that the one who was "behaving badly" was dealing with some emotional baggage - they don't know how to handle it and that's what is causing the problem

AgapeDoc :

Having said that, trying to reach out may not help - it may just take time for him to come around. If you want to be a great brother - be willing to be there for him when he comes around.

Customer:

I feel like he is blaming his family for something but I don't know what. I won't think about that anymore. I will pray that he can find peace with what he is dealing with. I'm his sister, though...I'm just tough. :-) Thank you for your help.

Customer:

Maybe I will send him a card saying I will be there for him when he is ready instead of the angry card I wanted to send.

AgapeDoc :

OOPS! My humble apologies. I hope I was of service to you. I wish I could have done more. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

AgapeDoc :

The card idea is a GREAT one!

Customer:

Thank you. It's been helpful discussing it.

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