Good evening, and welcome to JA.
I am sorry to hear that your son is having a difficult time right now.
I am also sorry to convey to you that, as he is a 40 year old man, there is very little, indeed, that you can do to help him.
If your son lives in your house and/or lives off of you financially, then you certainly have certain "incentives" to persuade him.
But nothing that you have indicated in your post suggests that he is in immediate danger of harming himself or someone else. (That is, he is not suicidal or homicidal). In that event, you could have him committed for his own safety.
It is clear, at least from what you have posted, that your son is unlikely to change his behavior. This being the case, I would strongly urge you to seek the support and comfort YOU NEED in order to take care of yourselves.
It is also possible for you to convey to your daughter-in-law and grandchildren (if there are any) that you will continue to love and support them in every possible manner... and perhaps open your home to them even more if that's possible. That will not only convey to them that you love and support them... but may also convey to your son that you intend to help his entire family.
While he may not be ACTING like an adult right now, he IS an adult - and he has the right to make terrible decisions... provided they don't result in direct harm to someone else.
I might encourage you to explore a few books that may help you to "disentangle" yourself from your son's problems.
You might want to consider: When our Grown Kids Disappoint us: Letting go of their problems, Loving them anyway, and Getting on with our lives by XXXXX XXXXX or Setting Boundaries with your Adult Children: 6 Steps to Hope & Healing for Struggling Parents by Allison Botke.
I know it's difficult to watch our children (of any age) seemingly self-destruct. I would continue to encourage him, from afar, to seek help for his problems. I would also encourage you to keep your distance so that the destruction doesn't include you.
Remember the pre-take-off speech that the airline attendants give? "In the event of an emergency, please place the drop down oxygen mask on yourself first before assisting any children." Now's the time to take care of YOU.
I realize that this isn't likely what you want to hear... but it is likely the healthiest thing for both of you. If and when your son "comes to his senses," he will be likely be grateful that you didn't interfere with his problems (even if of his own design).
I wish you (and your son) all the best of luck. Please take a moment to consider some of my suggestions.
Thanks. Please click <ACCEPT> unless you have further questions or concerns.
Thank you for your advice and your concern for our welfare. Our ages are 79 and 71 .We remain involved with our daughter-in-law and our 3 beautiful grandsons on a daily basis; they spend a lot of time in our house and we care for their needs.
I just see that you entered the chat.
I *do* wish to express my concern and regret about your son's predicament. There really is very little that you can do - other than take care of yourselves, your Daughter-in-law, and your wonderful grandsons. Those boys will long remember your care for them during these difficult times.
our concern is that our son may get entangled further with odd women and complicates his life further.
While it is my hope that your son will seek the help he needs, there is no guarantee... and really no way at all that you can persuade him. He needs to realize this himself. You can certainly provide the names and numbers of qualified family therapists to help... but that's probably about it.
To use an analogy, your son is actually *likely* to get into further entanglements before he gets better. As bad as it seems right now, it apparently isn't bad enough for him to do anything about it - so he's not likely to do so.
If I were speaking about an alcoholic, your son hasn't his "rock bottom" yet. While everyone has a different "bottom" (some only have to experience an embarrassing social event or a DUI... some have to be living under a bridge), apparently your son hasn't found his yet.
His wife is depressed and quiet and doesn't know what to do. She is not very educated and feels will not be able to support herself and the children once we are not there. Where can our son find help if he agrees?
Well, I would first check with the health insurance policy that your son's family (hopefully) has. It will likely list a number of qualified FAMILY THERAPISTS. I would encourage you to consider pushing him toward a psychologist, social-worker, or counselor... psychiatrists are brilliant at understanding the medical and pharmacological needs of individual patients... but don't tend to have the extensive background in providing therapy to families.
The other good thing - psychologists, social workers, and counselors are less expensive! :)
May I ask what area of the country your son lives in? City/State? I may know some facilities or professionals in your area.
please give us some names of specialists who can help people of this addiction.
Well... again... if I can have your city/state, please... that would be very helpful.
thank you for your kindness and advice. With best regards.