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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5244
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Is it possible to be too good of friends with your significant

Resolved Question:

Is it possible to be too good of friends with your significant other? My husband has been bringing this idea up more and more and saying things like 90% of the time, he thinks of me like one of his guy friends. We have sex about once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. He feels that is not enough and says he wants to do it more but we are both not making the time or the effort and I personally feel that once a week is fine. And we both find each other attractive.

But there is times where he talks about other girls being cute and I have no problem with that. Most of the time I agree with him. And then I have thoughts in the back of my mind about him asking her out. And that thought never bothers me. Even thinking about him with other girls doesn't bother me. But I know he is 100% faithful.

So could we be too good of friends?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like you and your husband are very good friends. And it sounds like there is trust between you. Those are two of the most important traits for a good marriage. However, it also seems that the love and passion has gone out of your relationship and you have become comfortable with each other instead.

 

How you approach this depends very much on how you feel about it. Do you want more passion and closeness between you and your husband? If so, there are ways to rekindle those feelings and have a great marriage. Here are some ideas to help you:

 

Try putting your husband first- do nice things for him that he loves. Buy something you think he'd like or go out to a favorite place. Do an activity he likes for a day. This will make him feel special and see you in a new light.

 

Have a date night- pick a night each week and make it special. Dress up and go to a restaurant or go play miniature golf. Make sure it's something you both can look forward to.

 

Laugh together- watch a funny movie, tell each other jokes or see a comedy show. Laughing helps you bond and gives you great memories to talk about.

 

Plan a getaway- a change of scenery can help you feel you are sharing something special and help you both have the time to focus on each other.

 

Talk about how you fell in love- what was so special about him that made you want to be with him? How did your husband decide he loved you? Talk about what got you both together and what you loved about each other.

 

If you find that these suggestions do not work, try seeing a therapist. Short term counseling can help you both focus on what the issue is and resolve it.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I haven't heard from you. Did you have more questions or want clarification?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I think what it comes down to is that I would like to be able to flirt with my husband and get those butterflies back. I am able to flirt with other people, just not my husband. And we do your suggestions on a continuous basis.

1. We always put one another first. I feel like I do it more than him, surprising him with something that he wanted, or doing what he wants to do like watch him play his video games, etc.
2. We have a date night, but then we usually get so full or so tired, that sex isn't an option and we are ok with that.
3. We see comedians and we have our favorites, plus we have shows we record that we watch and talk about.
4. We usually plan a getaway each year. We usually have sex most of the nights we are there.
5. We talk about how we fell in love, what we love about each other, etc. We are very honest with one another and know we are a great match.
6. We have not seen a therapist. I'm not sure that would be a great idea because we have a marriage that runs really well.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

There are many ways to get the spark back into your marriage. Here are some resources to help you:

 

http://www.5lovelanguges.com/

 

How to Create a Magical Relationship: The 3 Simple Ideas that Will Instantaneously Transform Your Love Life by Ariel and Shya Kane

 

Spark, The: Igniting the Passion, Mystery, and Romance in Your Marriage by Jay Laffoon and Laura Laffoon

 

Ferocious Flirting: Making Marriage Wonderful by Matthew O. Smith

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Also, be careful of any problems that stand in your way. Are there any resentments, anger or other issues? These can interfere in your ability to feel love and attraction to your husband and you may not be aware of it. Once you can address them, you can rekindle those feelings again.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
What are your recommendations for addressing issues but still remaining supportive? I have thought that maybe I'm too supportive and that is where the friend-zone type feeling is coming in. But I really enjoy not being overly stressed out about money,etc. because we are very supportive of each other.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

There is a way to address issues and still be supportive. If you address the issues with the view that you love him and he loves you, then the steps you take are done out of care and concern for each other. That's why it's often helpful to have a third party to help you, a pastor, therapist or even a mutual friend you can trust. But if that is not possible, then using your friendship as a basis for recovery is the next best thing.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5244
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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