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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience:  Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
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Getting scared of myself

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Hi, I hope my question is not too long. I was 42 years old and totally fell truly in love with a man. He would not have sex with me until marriage due to religious beliefs.....then continued to refuse 90% of the time during 3 years of marriage. Why am I still pining for him? He treated me like a princess before marriage, then on the wedding day turned his back on me, did not have sex with me for 8 weeks after the marriage, treated me like dirt during the marriage, when I left I ran in the middle of the night when he was at work, because I felt like he was going to try kill me by "accident" and believe he has tried since separation by tampering with the underworks of my truck which I have mechanics report for. No body believes me, I feel so scared and alone. I lost my home, part of my pension, part of my RRSP have to pay spousal support plus he left me with herpes.What is wrong with me........I should hate him according to other people

AgapeDoc :

Let's see if I can help here....

AgapeDoc :

Thanks for contacting Just Answer.

AgapeDoc :

I'm glad you contacted me here and I think I can answer your question, however.....

AgapeDoc :

However, please understand that this is not a forum for therapy as it were. Nonetheless, you should know that I have dealt with similar situations on this site and have helped others.

AgapeDoc :

I have also dealt with this in traditional therapy with my clients as well. So let's see if I can give you some relief...

AgapeDoc :

Having said all of that, let me say something before I go any further.... I am so sorry that you are in this situation - this is just awful..... plain awful to say the least!

AgapeDoc :

However, I want you to know that your not alone! I know this doesn't change the situation your in, but oftentimes it helps to know that you're not alone.

AgapeDoc :

OK... additionally, I sorry that therapy has not gone well for you so far - and saying fake it till you make it is not something I can imagine telling one of my clients. If it were that easy... well.... I'll say no more about that.

AgapeDoc :

Here is the answer to the question you posed in regards XXXXX XXXXX you still have this attraction when all logical thinking would say that doesn't make sense.

AgapeDoc :

And frankly it does indeed go against COMMON SENSE.... but from a psychological perspective, it something that we see all the time and we explain it like this.... the more you are denied something, the more desirable it becomes!

AgapeDoc :

You fell in love with this man (beautiful so far) but he was unable to return this love in the same fashion. I suspect that he has issues with sex. He couldn't meet your needs even after your marriage, but somehow found a way to get herpes and share that with you. He could have been withholding sex to manipulate things or he could have other issues (such as guilt, etc) that is problematic for him.

AgapeDoc :

The good news is that you realize your feelings aren't rational and more importantly you also want to do something about it.

AgapeDoc :

I hope you will be willing to (perhaps) try one more therapist? But more importantly - and this is the other answer to your question...... You need to find a support group that meets on a regular basis to help and support you. You want to find a support group for people with codependent issues, or a support group for people going through a break up or divorce. Stay connected to these people and it will help you 1) understand your feelings 2) stay away from him and 3) start a new chapter in your life.

AgapeDoc :

You can find a group like this on the internet - just do a search. Also try meetup.com for groups that meet in your area - I'm sure they are in Canada.

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