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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5515
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I just went through two break ups. One a big 2 year relationship

Customer Question

I just went through two break ups. One a big 2 year relationship and the other a month thing shortly after the first break up ended. I thought the guy I was seeing for that one month really helped me get over the first guy, (as i know rebounds often do) but he could see that I was still afraid to be in a trusting relationship again and now doesn't want to see me as anything but a friend. He promised me if I took some time that he would go out on a date with me in a few weeks, but I am so afraid and so nervous sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and i have tightness in my chest and all I can think about is wanting to see the "rebound". I get really anxious and its affecting my studies which are very important right now... I really need help.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for requesting my help.

 

It sounds like you have not yet dealt with the original relationship and are fearful of allowing yourself to mourn your loss. Any time a relationship ends, there is a loss to work through. Because you went from one relationship to another, you never had the time to work through your feelings of loss and now that you are alone, these feelings are there, making you feel fearful and upset. Because your loss involved a trust issue, you have not had time to work through learning to trust again.

 

It is very painful to face a loss. No one wants to have to feel sad, depressed or upset. As a society, we try to avoid loss and sorrow as much as possible. But when you are confronted by those feelings, it is important not to bury them. Burying them only causes you to express those feelings in other ways, possibly damaging ways.

 

Start by giving yourself permission to feel different feelings. Be upset, angry or sad. You lost a companion, someone to turn to and someone to trust. Betrayal is a very strong feeling. It takes time to learn to trust again. Realizing that just because you were betrayed in one relationship does not mean it will happen again is important.

 

Relying on friends and family to talk to and help you work through your feelings helps as well. You do not have to be alone, which is what people often feel when they lose a relationship. Being with others and using the supports you have helps you recover faster.

 

Express yourself as much as you can. Talk, write, paint or just yell and scream. Anything that helps you express your feelings about your relationship. It is very therapeutic and can help you heal.

 

Remember, this too shall pass. When you are working on your grief and trust issues, you will feel better. Move towards healing and new beginnings. Don't allow yourself to wallow and get stuck in sadness. Look forward to the day when all this is behind you.

 

Here are some resources to help you:

 

How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Peter McXXXXX, XXXXX H. Bloomfield and Melba Colgrove

 

Coming Apart: Why Relationships End and How to Live Through the Ending of Yours by Daphne Rose Kingma

 

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond) by Bruce Fisher

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Let me know if I can help any further,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5515
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thanks so much I really appreciate, definitely expect a question or two over the next month as I am working hard not to contact either of my exs and just hope that I can get some new perspective and healing. your answer was great, I really appreciate it!
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You're welcome! I look forward to talking with you again.

 

Kate

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