Hi, thank you for requesting my assistance. I will try to help you.
Can you tell me what you are asking about?
I see that you posted originally about being molested and someone did answer it for you. Then you posted about feeling violent and again about your treatment. I will read them all over and get an idea of what is going on. What you can answer for me is how you would like me to help you. Do you need answers with a certain issue right now?
While you write back, I will read over your other questions.
I read your past questions and I have a good idea of what is going on.
People diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder do not typically hurt others to that extent. They may act out by arguing with others, fighting physically or sabotaging situations, but being homicidal is not usually found.
Predicting behavior is not an exact science. People are very diverse and differ completely in how they perceive things and how they react to them. Factors such as environment, genetics and personality all go into the choices people make and how they react. For example, you can take two children and put them in an abusive situation. One will grow up to become a nurse and go out of their way to help others and the other one may end up in jail for hurting people. It is often why when we see something on TV about someone who hurts others people will say why didn't anyone stop him? Because there was no way to tell what he was feeling and predict his behavior.
Given that, you know yourself best of all. You understand yourself and your own motivations. Although you feel out of control, you still do have control. Feelings often make us think we are out of control, when in truth we are more in control than we realize.
You have had a particularly difficult time in your past. I read what you wrote about your struggles and your attempts to get help. You mentioned going for an evaluation recently when you felt overwhelmed by your feelings. That is very positive. And you are reaching out right now with concern about your behavior and how you feel. Again, very positive. Keeping your resources close by and repeated going over them in case you feel overwhelmed again is vital. Make connections to people who you feel understand your situation and checking in with them helps as well.
You may also want to consider spiritual help. You mentioned many times feeling out of control and like you wanted to get away from yourself, remake yourself or escape. I have found that when people feel that way, they need something to help them that is beyond the everyday help that people can offer. Try talking to a pastor, or if that makes you feel uncomfortable, there are numerous resources on line that can help. Here is a site to help you get started (it is only a suggestion. there are other options on line):
Let me know if I can help any further,
I'm quite relieved that it is not a usual behaviour for people with this type of Personality Disorder to become homicidal. I do appreciate your point that everybody is different though. My therapist is telling me that I should see her tomorrow for my usual Tuesday session. She told me that I should leave her personal protection up to her. I think she believes that in the end I will keep a handle on how I feel and not get violent. I haven't ever physically hurt anyone before but because I have seriously threatened and scared a lot of innocent people in the past I was worried I had it in me to stab her or someone else like I was feeling the desire to. My biggest fear is when I actually come out of the session tomorrow. I have had the most horrific week since the last session trying to calm down, not hurt anybody and cope with the fact that I was having such thoughts and desires. Feeling such anger and resentment towards my therapist has flipped a switch in me that I can't seem to switch off. The thing is she didn't even do anything wrong really, just try to get me to face my demons. Not exactly the crime of the century. And I really like her and trust her. It shocks me that I am feeling so strongly of hurting her. I am so terrified of hurting someone whilst I am fuelled by such rage. However, it greatly reasured me what you said about feelings often making us feel less in control than we really are. That gave me a lot of comfort. I am not spiritul in the slightest although I seriously wish I did believe in a God who I could turn to when I felt such dispair as this. I have talked in detail with my CPN , who I can trust to talk about how I am feeling right now, as he is fantastic at talking things through with me without provoking me. I just didn't want to ask the question I was scared of the most 'was it likely I would stab someone whilst I was feeling like this'. I do believe that he wouldn't have given me a direct answer though owing to how I could potentially react either way. This is why I was so desperate for some information on this site and I am really grateful to you for helping me out on this matter. I do understand that what happens is in my hands though and the only one who can do anything about all of this is me. No one is forcing me to take my anger out on other people. I just wish the feelings weren't so overwhelming and that I didn't dread the potential harm therapy is doing to me over the good it should do in the long run. Thank you again. Michelle.
You are very welcome. I am glad my answer helped you. I can tell you are struggling with how you feel and I find that a good thing, although I am sure you do not feel the same! But I say that because if you were truly homicidal, you would not think twice about hurting others. But you are distressed by the thought of hurting others, which is an excellent sign.
It is good that you are able to see that your therapist is trying to help you. You are able to separate her efforts and your response and that shows insight. In her efforts to help you she may have triggered some of your more traumatizing experiences and that is why you feel the rage that you do. It will be good to work all that through if you decide to see her tomorrow.
If you ever feel you want to talk in the future, you can just post by putting my name in front at the beginning of your question and that will let the other experts know you want to work with me. Of course, you can ask any other expert your question as well, if you wish.
Take care and I wish you the best,
You are welcome, Michelle. I enjoyed talking with you.
It is completely up to you how you want to handle accepting the question again. You already accepted initially, and I thank you very much for that (otherwise, we don't get paid for our answers). Some people accept again if they feel they want to, some are ok with accepting once. Each time you accept, Just answer gets half of the listing price (whatever you agreed the answer is worth) and I am reimbursed with the other half. If you do not accept again, I think JA does not charge you again. Please feel free to contact the moderator for a better explanation. And do not feel obligated to accept every response you get. The system may prompt you, but accepting once does reimburse the expert for the question so accepting again is a personal choice on your part, though every expert greatly appreciates it.
But either way, I was happy to help you and I hope we can talk again.