Good afternoon and welcome to JA.
It certainly sounds like your communications patterns are less than healthy - or at least frustrating for you both.
I would strongly urge you to consider having someone serve as a mediator within your discussions. In large part because it looks like there need to be some ground-rules established about how/when/where you can communicate with one another and (I know this sounds a little crazy) but how you can learn to argue in a healthy manner.
Any mental health professional (MHP) can help with this. Psychiatry is best of medication, but among other MHPs - a psychologist, social worker, or counselor can be helpful - particularly if they have experience working with couples.
Outside of the mental health field, working with members of the clergy (or any denomination) can also be helpful. If necessary, some "legal mediators" are available to help establish some rules of communication - but this tends to convey that your relationship is heading toward a dissolution rather than reconciliation.
Trying to address this on your own has already led to a great deal of frustration and some "unauthorized communications" that further erode your chance as a couple to communicate effectively.
If you find that you are unable to work toward even meeting with someone as a couple to improve communication - then it may be worthwhile to explore working with someone on your own so that you can develop adequate coping strategies to deal with these frustrations and/or to explore options about where your relationship can/should go.
I wish you the best of luck. Please click <ACCEPT>.