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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5096
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology in private practice
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Fiance (togetehr 5 years) laid off a couple years ago..now

Customer Question

Fiance (togetehr 5 years) laid off a couple years ago..now has a job making very little (1/2 of what he did) has been living with me for most of our time together and free for most of that time due to his hardships and debt. I have had to provide a few grand for the last few car repairs and pay for almost any excursion. Last car repair he was very sad and stated that this was a rude awakening and he was going to look for a better paying job or a supplemental job. Keep in mind that he has lied about his financial debt and situation in the past ...among other related things. Other than money stuff, I am crazy about this man. We are over 40. My father stated that he is worried and thinks that I just don't see things I should and the "man" should be the provider. I am very independent and dont' need a provider. I have always been the provider for the most part and have had a pattern of moocher relationships. I had a heart to heart to find out if fiance had been looking for anything since the last car repair...he said no..and stated that he was lazy and didn't feel like doing anything when he got home and made excuses for every option I mentioned (and not good ones, disappointing me more and more as the conversation continued). Said he wouldn't work fast food no matter what. I feel bad asking him every couple months to get a supplemental job in addition to his full time job, but my dad has influenced me into worrying that my fiance is taking advantage of me financially. I am so beside myself about everything and have made an appointment with a conselor to help set me straight or give me strength to make the change.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 3 years ago.

I am sorry about the delay. I could not get online. It is excellent that you have an appointment with a counselor. If you have a pattern of looking for men who do not support themselves then this definitely should be addressed. This can be a sign of low self esteem or being overly kind and letting others take advantage of you. Either is a problem. If this is the case with this partner then you should work with the counselor to end a relationship that is not based on healthy amounts of give and take. If you feel that he is reaching his potential (and it may not be what you would like but is his potential) then you can continue the relationship as you fill the role of provider. There is nothing wrong with your making more money but if you see him as lazy that is of course an issue for counseling. Why do you choose lazy and make yourself the nurturing partner. Decide on what makes you happy

 

If this is helpful press accept

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I have good esteem and am rather successful. I have been known to be overly kind...I am a good person with lots of compassion and a large heart. The adivse is rather short and not much help. Since the response took so long, I addressed the issue myself today with my fiance. He works full time already, but because of his debt, I expect him to exhaust efforts to try to find a supplemental job to eliminate that debt. Since he and I have been together so long, we really have no problems communicating, but addressing the issue with him was causing me anxiety and reminding me of those anxieties from past relationships. I found that addressign the issue with him turned out very positive and we are working together to review all his financial information again and moving in a positive, forward motion. So, long story short...I had anxiety and fear about addressing this issue and addressed it anyway.

 

No need for further response

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.
It sounds as though the issue may be resolved. Is this correct? If not, is there a further question you would still like help with? Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I have resolved my own issue and was not satisfied with the response I got from just answer this time around especially the long delay in receiving the weak response. Hopefully I won't be responsible for payment since satisfaction is guaranteed, and I am indeed not satisfied. I was unable to determine how to remove my question from my account and remove the funds I posted.

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