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psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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I am very angry with my husband. I spent the morning screaming

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I am very angry with my husband. I spent the morning screaming at him cuz that is the only way he will listen to me. He's a nice guy and very flat personality. I call him the rock. He's stable but very flat personality. He never talks, has interest in anyone, would rather be left alone and I would call him selfish. He will do anything but I have to ask everyday for five weeks then jump up and down, cry and pull my hair out. I know I should massage his ego and clap when he does anything right, but I feel that is ridiculous and unrealistic. Oh ya, he has no interest in sex. Might be the cause of my frustration ... you think?? We need to see a marriage counsellor and a sex counsellor but as I do everything in this relationship, I would like him to do some research and find someone he would like. He keeps promising about doing these things and more but has never delivered. I'm at my wits end. Breaking up the marriage is not what I want to do but I'm at my wits end. Help!!

I am sorry for the delay. I was not able to get back online. It sounds like your husband does not know how to express himself and that impacts his relationships. The question is : is he aware of this. You are right marriage counseling is very helpful if both partners are motivated and willing to trust the process. One untraditional way to address this considering his reluctance to participate fully in a counseling process is to find a marriage counselor online at helpful sites that come to him. There is no other way to address his lack of communication and sexual interaction. He has to want things to change. It is not enough to want it by yourself. If you can relate that his lack of emotion is causing problems in the relationship and impose whatever consequences you feel will work is helpful as well. I don't agree that he should get the therapist. It doesn't matter who does it although I understand your reason. you are giving him a reason to sabotage this. Get the therapist, give him the appointment or go online and expect him to be there


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for your answer and your verification. I am also very concerned about my screaming bouts. This last one took the cake and I feel defeated, embarrassed and put more of a rift in our relationship. Being a very rational guy, he can't seem to understand why I would do such a thing. I feel like I'm manic or have an anger issue. He's the only one I do this to. Although I did have words with his mother and cried in front of the entire family. Another bad day. I used to be reasonable but now I have turned into this mad woman (literally and figuratively). He doesn't have a clue that I can't take it any more. It seems it is the only way he will listen. I am so angry with him, there is no way to communicate this or if I do, he tells me to just move on and that I hang onto my anger. The lack of resolution in everything is causing both my anger and inability to let go of past issues. The kids can't handle this and it is such a terrible example on how to handle bad behaviours but I am too the point of hating the guy. I should clarify that he is a wonderful man and father but very emotionally constipated. He justs wants to get along but just won't initiate anything on his own - not unless I rant. I feel so defeated and alone all the time.
Your screaming is as you know is counterproductive to solving anything. Because it is just towards him, you could be responding to the emotional situation and you choose to act inappropriately. This could be anger or pent up emotion that you release when overcome with these emotions. If you were manic you would do this over certain periods of time not in response to an argument. It is as you said rather a way to be noticed and have him listen. Not bipolar but desparation. His inability to deal with issues leads you to be more angry and that festers. Because there is no closure. You feel alone because he has no outward emotion. You have to be heard and feel happy again. The only way to resolve this is with marriage counseling because he is not listening to you
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I do need to clarify that this rage was not a result of a fight, just by an external trigger. It happens sporadically and then I feel so guilty so I try to show that I care and then I get mad. About 6 times per year. The catalyst this time is that after 13 years off, I have decided to return to work 3 days a week. We all think that should be manageable especially since my husband works shift work and I am working my three days around his schedule. It's not working. I really want to have something to call my own and am determined to make it work but am exhausted on the weekend from all the catch-up. Which brings me to my trigger. Since we got together, the relationship was on his terms. That's ok. I knew this and he was a great guy. WHen he proposed to me, after 6 years if datubg, I found out that he spoke with his parents and sister and not my parents. It was like he was asking permission. Have problems with that. I was 32 when we got married and really wanted kids asap. He pushed off until we got the house and then held off because I didn't want to baptize the kids catholic (his family is Polish Catholic). I am living is a city I abhore because of he choses to stay. Before we got married, we talked about taking a working year abroad. He danced around this one because of shear laziness (he will tell you this) and finally when he came around to making the decision, he did it without me. He just came home one night and said he put in for a year leave of absense. Now yes, I wanted this, but last time I raised the question he just ignored me. Shouldn't couples sit down and discuss stuff like this before one partner puts in for a year leave of absence?? I'm beyond grizzed at this time. Now I also had no say where we were to go on our year off. It was up to him. As it happened the year away was wonderful but he keeps saying, "I told you so!". We have two wonderful kids and he's the best dad and tries to be a wonderful husband. In fact, I am the prick in the relationship but as the last marriage counsellor said, I was a prickly porcupine cowering in the corner. I take that as a defensive creature who is using her quills for defence. Mike just took is as I was a prickly bitch. I have tried everything, living like roommates (which we are) and not expecting anything, I have tried to play his game of not speaking and just existing with each other. I have read the book, "The Dance of Anger" and tried all their strategies. At the end of the day, I am married to a guy who was raised to be King and married someone who is is exact opposite. It has been 16 years of a lonely marriage. I remember when my daughter was born, I thought I would never be lonely again. Mothering is busy and with a wonderful network of friends and kids, I am not lonely ... but as my brother has told me, "I live a self-annihilating life". I have a husband who is a paying the bills, no sex life, no partner, and nowhere to go. I am feeling destroyed. I am finding lately that I wake up in the morning to a nightmare and just want to sleep to make the whole thing go away. And lastly, I can't go outside and face my lovely neighbours because they all heard the embarrassing domestic next door. Help!!
It sounds like this marriage is a partnership and that is a huge problem. This is a indication that he doesn't listen or compromise which for a marriage to survive needs both. Things can't be all his way if this is to survive. You have internalized all of this negativity and now feel hopeless. I would really consider individual therapy for your own benefit. Then you can look at how to stay or how to leave with support. It may help you to really face this and the "nightmare" that you feel you live. I am hoping that you do this for yourself.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I just re-read all the info I shared and I really did neglect to share the other side of the story. I am not a great wife. I so want to be one and try to play the nice wife. Most of the time its quite easy and we all get along and everything is fine and then I can't take all the social mores and norms and saving face and putting everyone else first ... and then I burst over silly things like the unfair task schedule or the fact that he is lazier than me (and I'm quite lazy) or the fact that his parents are ridiculous. I do however embrace the motherhood role but still I am not great at it. I have a lot to work on and I think your advise of seeing help myself is a good one. I feel like I owe my guy a big apology but know that this will happen again. Right now he says that I am so nice nice nice and then I blow. I have quite a bit of built up resentment towards him and I need to do something. And what bugs me is that is has to be me.
Instead of it being you find a marriage counselor and get all this resentment out in the open. You may be lazy but you may also have some good points. These issues can be worked out. It could give you a chance to really come together and find solutions. Resentment can be made better or worse. You may be a great wife with just some issues or bad habits. Find someone near you if you want to treat this nightmare or if you think it is treatable. It's up to you
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