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Hoarders are very hard to reach because their idea of normal is so skewed. The problem is that if he doesn't want to change then he won't. You can't shake him into reality. There is never a right time to reach them or force them back into reality. You may have to accept him where he is. Sometimes acceptance can be very difficult but if that is how he wants to live then you have to decide what your boundaries are in partially accepting it, You have to decide how you will interact and where this can and cannot happen. You are not endorsing his world you are just simply having time together as two relatives do. He has surrounded himself in a world of staff, and that is the way he chooses it. Offer to help him when he is ready. You can't change anything until then.
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I agree, but I left out a very important part---I am so torn up now. I have told my husband that I cannot feel comfortable for quite awhile around him and that I do not want to go to his house, just see him, say at holidays at his wife's home.. My husband says I should not let this fester. I can't pretend that both my son and me are distressed, so I cannot deal with close contact with him right now. Is this okay for me to feel this way for now? Thanks.