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psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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Hello! I have received some good advice in the past; some better

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Hello! I have received some good advice in the past; some better than others. I would appreciate an answer now to a pressing problem.

My new boyfriend and I have gotten along so well, that we have discussed marriage already. He actually talked about it first, and very early in our relationship. We began last August as friends, at our church. He was still married. He had been married for 27 years when his ex-wife asked for a separation. He was devastated, while living in an apt. for 2 years while his wife stayed in the house. They reconciled for awhile, but ended up in separate bedrooms shortly afterwards.

I helped him through his divorce, and he helped me through a break-up with a man that was not good for me. In April we began dating. He spoke of marriage rather early, and likes that way of life, and has professed his love for me, early on.

We have made a commitment to approach/handle issues in a healthy manner. He has been very open and honest about his finances, as I have been. The economy is so awful, that I have had trouble making a decent living in the last couple of yrs.

I am now three years out from two bouts of cancer that nearly took my life. I divorced my husband of 20 years, as he deserted me during my life-changing experience. The divorce, loss of income and financial help from anyone during treatment(s) has rendered my broke. I filed bankruptcy early this year, and now face rebuilding my life, in all ways.
My brother has helped me a great deal, by providing a condo for me for a fraction of what he could have taken in rent. My original plan for this place was to buy it from my brother after 2 years. I hoped at that time that I could make over 6 figures again, but it has not been possible.

I don't feel a sense of entitlement. I just know that I would like to remarry. I want someone that I love, that loves me as well, and is a man, rather than a man-child, as my ex-husband apparently was, as he had trouble keeping a job, as well. I cannot afford to make a mistake. My new man appears to be that man.

We have been engagement ring shopping already. We know what we like now, and he is in the process of selling his house that he shared with his ex-wife and daughter. We have been staying here, and get along very well. Our personalities are very complementary, and so I think that we could live in harmony. We have agreed to go to therapy to make the relationship work. We have our faith in common, and many other similarities. I think we're a good fit. Now the caveat.

His daughter is now 22, and just graduated from college with three degrees. She got into grad school, but is going to wait for awhile to attend. We attended her commencement last month.

OK, now I have given you sufficient backround to answer this question. If not, you can ask me for clarification.

My boyfriend and possible fiance' and husband are delving into finances, and I couldn't figure out why he had no money at the end of a paycheck period.

His adult daughter is costing him about 4,000 a month, about 1000 per month on college loans and 3,000 on her rent, car payment, car insurance, and it is probably more if you count her medical insurance that he provides, as well. She is still living in her college town and claims she cannot find a job.

He admits that he spoils her, and has never told her no before. She asked for an additional 1000, and he claims that he told her he could only do about another 300 per month, starting this month.

I asked him for a deadline to give for ongoing support. I have agreed to getting a house or condo with an extra bedroom for her, in case the economy continues to worsen, and she needs a place to land. I thought that was kind and understanding, since I know that other women would never hear of it.

I do not feel like I am a bad person to ask for a deadline. But I can tell it is going to be a bone of contention in our relationship. I suppose this feeling is because he reassured me in the beginning of our relationship that he was ready to put me first, (and I believed him, thinking that his daughter was 'out of the house' at 22.)

Now what? I feel a little unsure about this. I have no children, but I am ready to have something go my way. I don't want to alienate him, or be unfair to her. Do I have a right to get involved in this discussion, and what is reasonable to request? There is no financial space for me in this situation. And to close, he also pays support to his ex-wife, which is not required in Texas, but she asked him for it.

He borrowed 30,000 from his 401k to pay the ex all at once, and now I realize that he did it that way because he had no available cash in which to do it monthly. Wow, I guess that 180,000 salary doesn't go very far today!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

I am sorry for your situation. An adult child is definitely going to be an issue when the finances are this impacted. If his salary left the luxury of helping her I would say that is his decision of whether to help her or not. But if it is a hindrance and he isn't contributing his share in the married household, then the answer isn't that clear. It is okay to want to help your child, but when you are supporting them that is not the same thing. If she just graduated then you are going to have to be sympathetic with a light at the end of the tunnel. You can decide as a couple how much help he wants to give here. This shouldn't be all one person's decision. Find a compromise however painful that is. Maybe he can put a limit on this support both in terms of how much longer this will be and the amount he will provide. He has to teach her responsibility but not make her feel that she has been abandoned. This is a test in how to resolve a very sticky situation.


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