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Dr. Michael
Dr. Michael, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
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I just found out yesterday that my husband of 6 years has

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I just found out yesterday that my husband of 6 years has been having an affair for about 2 months. He said he is still in love with me and doesnt want a divorce, but i am heart broken, shattered and sooooooo confused right now
Hello. I believe I can be of help to you with this issue.

How did you find this out? As best as you can guess at this moment, do you want out of the marriage, or do you want to figure out how to forgive him and move on?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I found some messages on face book and questioned him about them, to which he not once tried to deny , he got quiet and then told me it was true. I dont want out, or atleast i dont think i do... we have 3 children and i do love him very much. He said he really didnt know why he did it but one reason for the affair might be part of a recent weight gain for mine over the last couple of years and lack of sexual attention. I would like to know if it would even be in my best interest to even try to move on and is so where to start.
There are a couple of themes I think you should pursue to repair this situation. First, I would highly recommend that you ask your husband to join you in couples therapy to talk about the course of your relationship over the past couple of years, how/where things might have fallen down a bit, whether the quality and intensity of your communication should be increased, whether you need a weekly 'date night'---an immovable evening scheduled each week that nothing will interrupt, etc. So this is more structured, formal repair stuff. Second, you should be thinking of ways your husband can rebuild trust. Generally, guys need to DO things, not simply apologize and provide verbal reassurances. This might be ACTIONS relating to transparency i.e., taking steps to never create memberships in online orgs. the other person doesn't know about and have passwords to access, joint 'everything', etc. There may be some restitution behaviors or actions you would appreciate seeing that he begin doing. And, he needs to be more reflective about how he can contribute more specific time, effort and actions to build the relationship. Next, you can reflect on how you may have overlooked reinforcing his positive behaviors e.g, complimenting him when he does something nice, showing appreciation more frequently, and making sure you are more fit and healthy physically.

Rebuilding trust can take many months or a couple of years, providing all of the components for rebuilding (above) go pretty well. So there really are some systematic things you need to do as a couple to reconstruct trust and heighten value/interest in your marriage. I'm going to pause here and ask you what you think about these steps...
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I think that sounds like an very good place to start. i will sit down with him this evening after he returns from work and talk abit about what we discussed and start from there. Thank you so much for starting to helpp me through this troubling time.
You are most welcome; remember, talk is cheap; building trust takes changing many behaviors, and it also requires patience. My best to you, Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. Please click on the green Accept button at the bottom of the screen. Thanks.
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