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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husbands mother has been too involved in our marriage, especi

Resolved Question:

My husband's mother has been too involved in our marriage, especially now since we are living with her (due to financial issues) for my taste. Our constant disagreements (her saying that I am always being negative, judgmental, and a bad wife) is causing my husband (and me) stress and I don't want him to be pulled in the middle anymore, and it's also putting a strain on our marriage. I'm willing to compromise as long as she is, but she doesn't feel the need to. Both my husband and I are at a loss on how to fix this. We have tried to tell her how it makes us feel to no avail. How do we resolve this problem?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like you have made a good effort to deal with your mother in law. However, she apparently feels that she has the upper hand because you must rely on her financially. She is taking advantage of the situation and forcing her negativity onto you.

 

Since you need to be in her home for now, there is not much you can do about her behavior. You and your husband have tried to work with her, but she is not changing. That means she is not interested in changing, she likes the situation the way it is. For her, this works. She gets to dump her feelings on you, and you have little choice but to accept it.

 

I would assume that you and your husband are making a good effort to change your circumstances so you can leave there. In the meanwhile, you may need to change your ways of dealing with your mother in law. If you can, start doing more things outside of the home. Find other places to be. Visit with other family or with your friends.

 

Have your husband deal with his mother and leave you out of it. That way, she cannot blame you for what you say or twist it around. She does not respect you and has already demonstrated that she does not want to get along with you. So allow your husband to act as a buffer. She may find it more difficult to take her feelings out on him.

 

Define the boundaries. If you are paying any bills or any type of rent or compensation to your mother in law, then you have the right to privacy and boundaries. Let her know she is not allowed into your room. If she speaks to you in a negative way, don't respond and just walk away. Just because you live there does not mean you have to take being abused. You do not need to be mean about it, just act neutral. Don't allow her to provoke you into any arguments.

 

Do your best to work on getting out of there. This is not a healthy situation to be in.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

 

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I haven't heard from you. Did you have more questions or want clarification?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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