Ask a Psychiatrist and Get Answers to Mental Health Questions ASAP
Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
I need to ask some questions to clarify your situation.
Do you have abuse in your background? If so, what kind (you don't have to provide detail if you feel uncomfortable doing that)
Are you receiving treatment for your diagnosis and if so, what kind? If you see a therapist, have you received any feedback from them about this situation?
Do you live with your boyfriend?
No, that is a good. Thank you for the information. And I am sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered. It is heartbreaking.
I was asking about your background and childhood because often, when we become adults, we seek out relationships that resemble what we experienced as children. So if you were abused as a child, the relationships you are most attracted to as an adult will resemble what you experienced in childhood. That is why you are so attracted to this man. He represents a way for you to relive or resolve what you experienced as a child.
You may either feel you deserve how you are treated, since that is what you were taught as a child, or you may be desperate to resolve the trauma you experienced through your current relationship. By reliving your abuse, you may be able to get your boyfriend to love you the way your parents and others did not when you were little. So you keep trying by buying him gifts and being there for him. Making him happy will make him like you. This reaction is very common among adults abused as children.
Therapy could help you distinguish further your motivations for staying in the relationship. But understanding why you feel the way you do will help you get started resolving your feelings.
You may not be able to get him to be nicer to you or not to get angry anymore. He has his own issues (possibly he was abused as a child as well) and until he resolves his issues, he will continue acting out the way he does. He could benefit from therapy if he was willing to see he has a problem and go. But if he is not, then he would have to see his behavior a problem and fix it on his own.
But you can control your own behavior and how you react to the relationship. If you want to work on your part, here are some resources to help you:
Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence: A Workbook for Women by Edward S. Kubany, Mari A. McCaig and Janet R. Laconsay
Domestic Violence Sourcebook, The by Dawn Bradley Berry
Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally Abused by Steven Farmer
You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.
Try some support groups to help you in addition to your therapy. Support can make a big difference in how you feel and help you heal.
Let me know if I can help any further,
You're welcome! I am glad to help.
To your first question- no, it is not just you. He is like this because of something he went through. This is about him, not about you. And you mentioned that he has abused his other girlfriends as well, so he will be like this to anyone he is with.
Second question- He is attracted to you the way you are attracted to him. Whatever his issues are, he wants to work them out with you. But since he does not know how, he keeps trying to come back to you to see if he can try again.
Third question- Most likely, it is because of the abuse you suffered as a child. When children are sexually abused (or sometimes it occurs with physical abuse as well), they have to find a way to cope with it. Some children shut off emotionally, others become overly sexual, especially in abusive situations. It is a coping mechanism, a way to give yourself so you don't get further harmed or killed. It also pleases your abuser when you accept the behavior.
Fourth question- yes, it could be that someday you think of the relationship differently. In other words, it causes you to feel other emotions rather than what you feel now. It depends totally on how much you want to get away from the relationship and work on your issues so you have a different and more healthier view of yourself and your relationships. In other words, it is in your control how you will be able to get out of this relationship and move on.
I appreciate you sharing the difficult details of your situation with me. I know it is not easy and it shows strength that you are willing to do so.
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