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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5579
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Dear sir/madam, I have a husband & wife problem. Just a

Resolved Question:

Dear sir/madam,

I have a husband & wife problem. Just a week ago, I accidentally discovered some sms from my husband mobile phone and found out that his colleaque called him husband and replied him that last few days, she was very happy with him at her home at 10:30 p.m. and said my husband had been fallen into a love trap and said she was very misssed him and sent her photo to him in his mobile phone. After looking through these messages, I had some hard feelings. Actually, I had two children with him. Today, he said he had to go to work overnight but did not tell us where he went and what kind of job duty he was now doing. Besides, he did not disclose any his personal income to let us know. When I talked the money problem for our family, he seldom had any response. Nearly all the family expenditures such as rent, electric fees, children's lunch fees , activities fees, gas fees, etc. All of them were paid by me. He never reads his letters except his personal income letters. Besides, he was always late or up to 11:00 pm to come home. He came home and got hurried to go to sleep without saying too much words. How can I manage such kind of marriage? Should I ask him whether he had another mate to live with so that he had such kind of behaviour? How can I carry on this marriage and face my children?
Hoping that you can give me some advice!

Yours

March
30/6/2011
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

You can ask your husband directly if he has another family. There is nothing wrong with that. He may not be truthful, but if you are seeing evidence that he is cheating, then you have the right to confront him. He should not be involved with anyone else. It undermines the trust in your marriage. And if he is neglecting you and the kids (not paying the bills or staying home with you), then he is not doing what he should be doing as your partner.

 

Talk with him and tell him you find his behavior wrong. Let him know what you need (such as staying home, helping you pay bills) and be clear on what you expect. You do not have to be angry when you do this but try to use a neutral tone of voice. Until you know for sure what he is doing, then try to avoid accusing him.

 

You both can see a counselor as well. Talking to someone about the problems in your marriage can help you grow closer. But if he is not willing to go, go yourself. You need support to decide how you want to handle this problem.

 

To find a counselor, talk with your doctor for a referral. You can also search on line. Here is one site that may help:

http://www.goodtherapy.org/hong-kong-counseling.htm

 

Here are some other resources to help you as well:

 

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman

 

My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me by Anne Bercht

 

Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing with Infidelity by Danine Manette

 

You can find these on Amazon.com or if you have a library near you, they may have them for you.

 

Let me know if I can help in any other way,

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5579
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I haven't heard from you. Did you have more questions or want clarification?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5579
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.