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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
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Hello, so I desperately need advice asap, as my situation

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Hello, so I desperately need advice asap, as my situation is very complicated. I have to give you a bit of history .. I met this guy about 5yrs ago, I am now 31 and he is now 38yr old. When I met him, he had just gotten out of prison and was on parole. Now, I am not trying in any way to make him sound bad, but these are the facts: He has been in and out of prison since he was 19yrs old for drug possession, drug sales, grand theft auto, and more drug charges. When I first met him, he was the sweetest, most charming guy ever.... but after about 3 months or so, I started to notice severe anger outbursts towards me, after a couple of months from that he started getting physically and verbally abusive, biting my face, slapping, nothing too severe, no beatings, but grabbing my neck and trying to choke me, holding me down, and things like that. I had never in my life dated any guy that had gone to prison. I had just gotten my bacherors degree when I first met him, and as I mentioned before, his charming persona at the beginning was what drew me to him. I have no kids, but he has 3 kids by 3 different women. He has admitted to having gotten physical abusive with ALL OF HIS EX girlfriends. We have been on/off for the last 5yrs During this time, I have caught him cheating on me at least 4xs. Now my major problem, is that even knowing all this, I am completley obsessed with him. I literally have an addiction to him like a drug addict.. I know psychologists wont say that is possible, but I am living proof that it is. Even though he constantly puts me down, calls me names, and is down right mean to me, I am so attracted to him physically that I can not get turned on by any other man.. I have tried and it just doesnt happen. I think about him constantly, text him numerous times a day, can not focus on anything. I have literally been getting anxiety to the point where my hands shake, I vomit, I have bad migraines, and stomach in knots constantly. Please help me to know what I can do about this, and is it actually possible to be addicted to someone so much that it can cause physical pain and anxiety? ( I think its important to note that I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and generalized anxiety disorder) I have tried everything with this guy; I get stomach cramps right before I am about to see him in person because I am afraid of what I may say that is going to make him mad. Even when I laugh about something that is funny it seems to bother him. I am certain I am doing something wrong.. What can I do to not piss him off and annoy him? and have him be nicer to me?

Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 3 years ago.

AgapeDoc : Thanks for contacting Just Answer
AgapeDoc : Please understand that what I'm about to tell you is based on years of training and experience........ GET OUT... NOW! You didn't break him & you can't fix him.
Customer:

Thank you for your response, however, I feel you are not really going into any detail about my situation or asking me any questions.. Can you please explain your response and what specifically am I supposed to do?

AgapeDoc :

Absolutely and thanks for getting back to me.

AgapeDoc :

In my first response was giving you the botXXXXX XXXXXne and I stick to that. Now I will go into more detail, however, at the end of it all my years of experience lead me to make it clear that anyone in the situation you are in should GET OUT.

AgapeDoc :

It is so clear to me - anyone can see from what you wrote in you post. For example: 1) he is mean to you; 2) his is emotionally abusive to you; 3) he cheats on you (and will continue to do so); 4) he is mentally abusive to you - and I could go on (anger outbursts, I suspect dishonesty...). Anyone of these things by itself would be enough to make me say get out out the relationship, but here we have a bunch.

AgapeDoc :

Additionally, he has become physically abuse and this will escalate... no I don't have a crystal ball, but I can guarantee it!

AgapeDoc :

Now, as for your "addiction" I completely agree with you! I don't think I am the only psychologist that would agree with either! A person can get physically sick just as you are indicating in your situation. Which of course leads us to another part of the issue for you.

AgapeDoc :

As you have mentioned your diagnosis - you are getting something from this relationship that validates who you think you are. In order to get away, you are in all likelihood going to need the support of a therapist. I would suggest making an appointment with the professional who gave you the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and present the situation to him or her. Then ask for help getting out of the relationship.

AgapeDoc :

Of course, I understand that you may not want to take my advice and you may feel you want to stay in the relationship. You wouldn't be the first person that has elected to stay in a dysfunctional (based on what you have posted are the behaviors of both of you) relationship. While I can affirm that you are not the first I have dealt with to have this "addiction" as you call it, it is not functional. You clearly recognize (based on what you posted) that your "addiction" is dysfunctional and not something that you want to continue.

AgapeDoc :

So... we are back to my original answer.... GET OUT! If not, all the abuse and cheating will continue, your dysfunctional behaviors will escalate as will the physical abuse! As you have other issues and have been diagnosed with GAD and Borderline Personality Disorder you will likely need the support of your therapist. In fact based on you post this is the biggest issue - your "addiction" to him. You are not the first I have dealt with who feels the way you do. The longer you stay with him, the more he will abuse you, the more he abuses you, the more you will try and please him and the more "addicted" you will become.

AgapeDoc :

So.... It's up to you. I will be here for you if you want to discuss more of if you have additional questions as you go through the process.

AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience: Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
AgapeDoc and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you so much for your response. Truth be told, deep down, I know you are right. I know this is completly unhealthy. What I cant understand is WHY am I so addicted to this man when he clearly treats me so badly? How can this make sense? Can you please explain this to me?

also, even though I know you are right, I hope you wont mind if I get one more opinion about this issue?
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 3 years ago.
OK.... as for the why you are so addicted to a man who treats you badly - here you go... First of all it goes against common sense for this to happen - it really makes NO sense whatsoever! Which is why you are having such a hard time with it.

However, while it makes no COMMON sense, from a psychological perspective it can be explained like this.... you (or anyone) in this situation is there due to low self-esteem and low self-concept, not to mention low self-acceptance. The more he abuses you the more it reinforces your low self-esteem and the more you need his approval and validation to feel worthy of at least something - this is only one of the reasons you need to move on.

Now, as for your other question (stated in your last line of the previous post).... This is also very telling..... think about it!....if you know I'm right why do you want a second opinion? It seems that this is just another way to avoid taking action.

As I said earlier.... you and you alone must live with the decision YOU are going to make. Feel free to seek as many opinions as you would like.

At this point I believe I have answered everything presented and I hope you will seriously consider what we have discussed.

Now it's up to you to either click on the green accept button or not - as always I stand by the guarantee of Just Answer and I wish you all my best and hope if you have more questions you will consider contacting me again.
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience: Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
AgapeDoc and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX been very helpful, and yes, I will give this very serious consideration
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 3 years ago.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers - I wish you all my best :)
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience: Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
AgapeDoc and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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