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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My wife wants to get a divorce - 1st off i broke trust by lieing

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My wife wants to get a divorce - 1st off i broke trust by lieing to her about something. And now she says it is over. She said we would try counceling but she went once and said she had made up her mind before we went. What can I do? We have a 2 year old girl and she will give birth in September to our son. She thinks it wont affect the kids if they see me everyday after work. What can I do to show her that it will, and to show her that we need to work this out?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

If there was a major breech of trust, like another woman involved, then your wife is reacting to that and you do have a big issue to deal with. But if your wife is reacting to a situation you lied about that was minor, then the issue is with her.

 

If you broke the trust in your marriage over an affair or something similar, then you need to regain her trust through a lot of self work. In other words, going to therapy, talking to your wife and basically showing her that you learned from your mistake and that you want to rebuild the trust in the relationship. It may take a while, but the trust can be rebuilt. She is angry now, and getting through to her will be difficult. She needs time to work out her own feelings. Plus, she is vulnerable now with being pregnant and having a very young child to care for. She is most likely overwhelmed and does not have time to think things through.

 

If your wife's anger is over a minor incident, then the issue may be about her. Does she over react normally to other situations? If so, that may be what this is about. She may need some time to cool down to rethink her reaction.

 

Which ever reason caused this, therapy for you is a good idea. It shows you are making the effort to fix the situation. It will also give you a place to work out your feelings and support to help you cope.

 

Here are some other resources to help you:

 

I Don't Want a Divorce: A 90 Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage by Dr. XXXXX XXXXXe and Dr. William G. Clarke

 

Fighting for Your Marriage: A Deluxe Revised Edition of the Classic Best-seller for Enhancing Marriage and Preventing Divorce by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley and Susan L. Blumberg

 

The Complete Marriage Counselor: Relationship-saving Advice from America's Top 50+ Couples Therapists by Sherry Amatenstein and Tina B. Tessina

 

Broken Promises, Mended Hearts : Maintaining Trust in Love Relationships by Joel D. Block

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

I hope this has helped you,

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
The lie was major, but not an affair.

I have some sort of depression or something. Anyway, i got to work Monday last week and everything was ok, then I descided that it wasnt and for no reason wanted to take my own life. I thought about this, and went out back - i own the company- and tried. I flinched and missed with a .40 pistol. The neighbors heard the shot and called the police. When the police arrived, i lied to them and told them we were being robbed and I fired at the robber. I later - the next day - went to police station, and told the truth. I was charged with Purjury and False reporting to police. That is what I lied to my wife about. I told her the lie to. I told her the truth the night i was arrested.

But she says she dont want to live like this, and it best for us and the kids for us to seperate and get a divorce.

3 years ago, she cheated on me with 3 guys, and I forgave her, and trust her now - I just want her to give me the same chance.

What should i do, give her the seperation - and if we do seperate, she wants me to come over after work every evening to see the kids and stay till they go to sleep. Basically it be how our life was before, except we not sleep in same house or bed.

Or do I fight and try to show her i changed, or do i try to convince her i love her, or do i just move on and hope she realizes its a mistake.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I would give her some space right now, maybe a few weeks. See the kids like she asked. It may make her feel less defensive about what happened and give her time to think about if she overreacted.

 

It sounds like she has some of her own trust issues or relationship issues. If she has cheated in the past and now is leaving you so quickly after what happened, she may have commitment issues. Keep this in mind when you are working to repair the marriage. I doubt that if you just moved on that she would realize on her own that she made a mistake.

 

It's always a good idea to fight for your marriage, unless abuse is involved. Try the suggestions we already talked about and make the effort. This situation is not only about you, I know, but if you step up and make the effort first, then at least you will have tried. And you will be able to say you did try if she is unwilling to work it out.

 

Also, work with a therapist about how you feel about this and your wife's reactions to what you try. The therapist should be able to help you understand why your wife is reacting this way and how you can deal with it. And possibly, if your wife sees you trying, she may be willing to come to a session or two with you and work on her issues.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5402
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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