Dear Kate, How are you?
Thank you so much for all that stuff, I see where I have been struggling all these years, and yes my self worth is negative. He tells me so often that he is a sensitive person, cries when watching a film, a good judge of character, can read someone like a book, but I have always disagreed with his view of himself. And you are spot on with view points, no-one is allowed to have ANY views, because he knows best, XXXXX XXXXX simply don't open my mouth to share with him at all anymore- the children try, they don't like being bullied, and so there are always disagreements which snowball into abuse, and it's far worse when he's been drinking- at least there isn't a period of warm up, it's straight in there, and that's when we get hurt. Getting jobs done?! You're joking!! I have long-time stopped asking him to do anything constructive, His standard answer is 'if you ask it won't get done.' I have put the barrier up, I haven't taken note of his mean words, being a 'cold and miserable f'ing bitch' doesn't bother me any more. But it upsets me when my daughter (12) gets similar treatment.
The Wizard of Oz, that's interesting, my therapist has referred to me as Dorothy, had her explain it the other day, great analogy. I must get that book.
I will talk about my story, I can't leave it, I will tell you everything. Today my shift was tedious, tiring and uncomfortable. I haven't told anyone there that I'm struggling through in pain. I don't like everyone knowing everything about me, don't like them knowing I struggle, that I'm weak, that I'm not coping well. I don't want to say I can't do such and such because I can't bend down easily, or lean over. If it's not doing me any harm (apart from hurting) I will get on with it. When I got home I laid on my bed and listened to my hypno recording, then went to sleep for 2 1/2 hours! Unheard of. I woke in a panic
at 7pm knowing I was in therapy at 8pm, rushed to get supper (DR was lying watching tele, he's not been at work all week, nice to have a bit of help). A good session, but I have so much to sort, I feel I will be in therapy for ever. So THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP, I will get there that much quicker, and I feel I have got through this week with less stress bc I can talk to you.
Below is a story I wrote for my therapist to try and sort some feelings out, but since you have shed some light on things, I wonder if you could pass comment. Sorry this is so long today Kate, I really value your words immensely.
One Monday morning, a wife woke to find her husband, who had been out at the local until the early hours, wasn’t beside her.
He was never awake, let alone up before her, so she got up to investigate (maybe he didn’t come home.....) He was asleep in the spare room, also unusual, so she investigated his side of the marital bed to find a large offensive wet patch (yet again); the laundry basket contained soaking underwear
. On waking her husband with a cup of (next time cold) coffee as was per usual, she casually mentioned that she would be very grateful if he could strip the bed and wash the sheets, as there seems to have been a major lack of control of a certain bodily function. ‘Yeah, OK’, grumped the reply.
2 hours passed; shower (a must), dressed, breakfast; ‘Gotta go out now, see you later’. She checked the bed, same as she found it earlier. Windows open? No. What now? can’t leave it like that all day. So she stripped and washed and aired, and all was ready to go back on by the end of the day. She tries to make a point, so she leaves the linen- mattress cover, sheet, duvet cover- in a pile on the bed. He’s bound to see them, think- ‘OK, (duh) I think I’m supposed to put these on myself, after all, I was a silly boy, it was pretty gross, she (bless her) has washed them all for me (and my smelly boxers), it’s the least I can do’.
It’s the Easter hols – ‘great’ thinks wifey, ‘I can have the spare room for a whole week!’- so she moves her pills and potions, journal and books, water bottle and earplugs across the corridor, and settles herself in, laptop plugged in and ready to go. She’s not really bothered when she wakes in the morning to see the 'man of her dreams' asleep atop the mattress, not a sheet or cover in sight (well actually still in a neat pile beside the bed). ‘OK’, thinks she, ‘I have a week, I shall pass NO comment, and see what happens.’ The Lord P*** Artist of the House also passes no comment, so we watch and wait........until Monday before the Tuesday when the children go back to school. ‘Darn it’, thinks wifey, ‘how can he be so IGNORANT???’
Sadly wifey isn’t blessed with a good way with words, is afraid to say anything lest she creates a landslide that will bury her. Besides, it’ll only take her 10 minutes (but such an effort, don’t you just hate double duvet covers?). Perhaps he will notice that his ever loving stupid wife has made his bed so freshly and neatly, and he might thank her for doing what he knew was his job all along.
OK, wifey thinks, she doesn't expect miracles to happen, but she is beginning to wonder what she is married to, how someone can let all that happen, and NOT ONCE acknowledge ANYTHING (did he even notice?), sleep a whole week without sheets on the bed, on the bare mattress?? (Agreed, he was boozing every night, but still). Is it OK to pee in the bed? Does it not bother him, does he think ‘Hey, don’t get your knickers in a twist woman, all men p*** in their beds once in a while, where’s the harm?’ Should wifey not be upset or disgusted by it? Should it make her feel endeared towards him, or would you imagine it would make her skin crawl? WHAT CAN HE POSSIBLY THINK??
As afore mentioned, she lacks a talent for speaking her mind, saying how she feels, shies away from confrontations. She won’t find out what he thinks if she doesn’t ask him, but..... mustn’t rock the boat, it’s safe in calm waters, on an even keel.... don’t want to tempt the next big wave before it’s due...
Why, she wonders, does she feel more comfortable making his happiness a priority over her own? Why does she not want to make him feel humiliated, just let it go unmentioned, calm herself until the next time, press the green accept button? Is she worried that she will be blamed for spoiling his fun if she politely asks for him to amend his lifestyle to take his family into consideration? Will they all be unhappier if she does? Does she really want to? because that will mean he is at home that much more. He’ll put the tele on and just sit there, miserable, fidgety, wanting to be elsewhere, hoping she’ll go to bed early so he can dive out. She likes it when he isn’t there. Does that mean that she is compounding the situation, the spending, the drinking??? Is it her fault? Does he not want to be at home because she is unhappy, because she doesn’t want him near her, won’t let him in to her space? because she won’t let him touch her, because she’s a cold bitch? Is she to blame?
She just wants to forget to hit save, delete, shut down and reboot, wipe the memory, re-wire, have to start again, all over again...... afresh. Will she ever let him in again?