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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience:  Dr. W. D. Nicholas will help you find solutions to life's challenging issues.
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Hi, I am married to a wonderful man for almost 10 yrs. The

Resolved Question:

Hi, I am married to a wonderful man for almost 10 yrs. The last 5 yrs, there has been no sex between. I compensated with the normal toys that are available, which does help relieve the anxiety. Three yrs ago, I discovered Second Life because I heard about it and was curious. I enjoyed being in the beautiful world and discovering all the things you could do there. The sex part I did not discover until much later on, I was too busy learning about building, land, how you looked there, etc. Once I met someone and connected emotionally, the physical feelings started. I have found great pleasure in a few of my relationships I have had in SL, very much so. And these relationships have been with men who feel as I do, that we are real people behind our chosen avatars. I did feel guilty in the beginning about having virtual sex, but after awhile, I stopped feeling guilty. I have read the pros and cons on whether or not this is cheating or not. What is your opinion? Thank you.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 5 years ago.

AgapeDoc :

Thanks for contacting Just Answer. Let's see if I can help here....

Customer:

Hi

AgapeDoc :

OK... You have asked a very good question here!

AgapeDoc :

And.....

AgapeDoc :

One that does not have an easy answer!

Customer:

yes, I realize that

AgapeDoc :

However, I have been down this road (actually a very similar one) with other clients so here we go....

Customer:

and I do realize it is a matter of opinion too

AgapeDoc :

You are so right about that.

Customer:

some people do not view oral sex as actually having "real" sex either

AgapeDoc :

If you take a traditional Christian/Biblical view then it is cheating. The Bible says that if you lust in your heart you are committing a sin. If you take a more Humanistic view, then we create our own reality and right and wrong is relative.

AgapeDoc :

However, it's not even that simple... there are mitigating circumstances. You have been denied sex from your husband (essentially) and you have needs and desires - you are only human for goodness sake.

AgapeDoc :

I know you asked for my opinion and I will give it to you if you want, but in my experience my clients have found more success coming to their own realization about this topic.

Customer:

I have come to my own realization, but I would like to hear your opinion please

AgapeDoc :

This is because you can find ample people on either side of the fence on this topic - so in your case for instance you answer today would depend on which psychologist picked up your question. Ok.. you want my opinion and I have given you my caveat above. My opinion is that this is cheating - please understand that my morals and ethics come into play here - there are other experts who disagree with me. I am a Christian as well as a psychologist so that is important for you to know.

Customer:

yes, I understand that, I do. I consider myself a Christian too, but I also feel, for some reason, that God understands.

Customer:

I guess I don't feel it is cheating in the same sense as it would be in my real life being with a man in a bed

Customer:

maybe I am just fooling myself, can't really answer that question

AgapeDoc :

I agree with you that God understands - I totally agree with you on that. And I don't blame you by any means. I am aware of the struggles that people in your situation have so I don't minimize this at all. However, I must say as a psychologist and a Christian that every time and every effort you put into this virtual world is time and effort not put into your relationship with your husband.

AgapeDoc :

Would your husband forgive you?

Customer:

I think he would

Customer:

I think he would even understand

AgapeDoc :

Have you considered discussing with him?

Customer:

we have a good relationship except for the lack of the physical part

Customer:

I have

Customer:

and he just tells me he is sorry, that he is too tired

Customer:

I hate to bring the topic up any more

Customer:

we hug each other and kiss, but that is all

Customer:

we enjoy being together and doing things together

AgapeDoc :

It sounds to me like you have done what you can. And of course it's hard to bring it up further.

Customer:

I never thought it would be like this

Customer:

I wish I did not have such a strong desire for sex

Customer:

I have talked to my doctor

Customer:

he tells me I am lucky to have those feelings and desires

Customer:

but....

Customer:

sometimes I wish I did not

AgapeDoc :

I would suggest that you continue to hug and kiss and enjoy each other. Continue to get your satisfaction as you have been but remember that it's only make believe and your husband and you love each other. There is nothing wrong with wanting sex.

AgapeDoc :

Don't feel guilty - it's natural.

Customer:

yes, I do love him and I know he loves me, and I wish so much we could make love, I miss that so much

Customer:

thank you

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