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Ask David Akiva Your Own Question

David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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ive been married for 8 years. we have been separated the

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ive been married for 8 years. we have been "separated" the last 2...since i found he was having a relationship w another woman online. we both love each other. we keep trying to get back together. ive moved back a couple times but i leave again when things get tough. i get tired of fussing. alcohol seems to fuel the low lying issues we have anyway and explosion. i leave again. i feel lost, confused and afraid of making the wrong decision either way

Duddy :

Welcome, I am a professional counselor, Behavioral-Consultant and relationship expert.

Duddy :

Can you tell me a bit more about how alcohol fuels the low lying issues?

Customer:

i don't want to blame all our issues on alcohol first off. we are both grown adults able to make our own decisions. i do enjoy drinking beer occasionally to wind down. my husband drinks a bit more than i do but it seems anger, maybe emotions in general escalate sometimes when we are drinking. i have less tolerance for him sometimes and if negative issues arise we don't communicate positively. we just get angry.

Duddy :

I see your typing. I'll wait for your response.

Customer:

when we got married my daughter was 11. she has been "difficult" since she was 14. both my husband and I had lived most of our adult life single. it has been a challenge for all of us

Customer:

i am a RN. i have always been the caregiver of my family. when i got married and my daughter was acting out (which she still is) my marriage, work and my daughter was all I felt i could handle. I minimized the care I provided for my great aunt whom i also cared for. she passed away in 2006. I was closer to her than to my own mother. i grieved her and still do somewhat but for a while there it was very hard. i found my husband was having this relationship in 2009. it began in 2006. mostly messages back and forth. I don't know if it got physical but if not it was well on its way. I felt so betrayed. I am grieving and he is so selfish hes cheating. In hind site we can see how i closed in, felt anger, sadness etc. he says he thought i was unhappy with him, angry with him. we began to grow apart.

Duddy :

I'm very sorry to hear that. I'll wait till you finish your entries to respond.

Customer:

my husband has been raised "military". his dad a pilot in the navy, his sister a navy commander, retired now with no children. he is a army helicopter pilot, contracts from the government now, not still in the army. He and his sister are the only children in the family and he has been cared for by his mother of course who is "an officers wife" and his sister. They seem to still think of him as the baby boy whom they take care of. especially with him being single so long. They decorated his home, helped with landscaping everything couples do except sex. I sometimes feel he doesn

Customer:

i feel he doesn't need me except for the sexual part of the relationship. hes been trying to improve upon this issue.

Customer:

i know we can look each other in the eye and we do very much so love each other. we enjoy being with each other. we had the best day together, we even had midday sex after morning sex. we are learning to be considerate of another person. we do want to learn to be good to one another. i am afraid of losing myself in him I guess. I am seeking my own self worth at the present. my daughter is 20 and doing drugs. i have no one that needs me to take care of them, except at work. i am seeking the reason to get out of bed every day.

Duddy :

Again, you've provided some very clear information here. It's good for someone to write or type what their feeling and experiencing to help them process....

Duddy :

Also, just you know, I am very pro-marriage and family. I'm a pro-marriage counselor with a bias for saving marriages.

Duddy :

If you feel comfortable proceeding here, I get a clear sense from what you've written of the situation you're describing.....

Duddy :

What I need to know is what your question is. I understand the situation better but not the question. Please clarify.

Customer:

I don't give up things easily or accept failure very well. I fear I may be trying to make something work that just never may be healthy for me. Life is difficult enough to me without me trying to make a square object fit into a circle hole. make sense?

Duddy :

The statement makes sense, but it doesn't really clarify a question.

Customer:

I have also made poor decisions in the past, which makes me question my decisions. And, if I am so happy with him why do I always leave?

Customer:

does our marriage seem it could be healthy?

Customer:

could i continue my journey of seeking mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health and not have to leave my husband? I wonder if there is a such as just to much water under the bridge

Duddy :

In my view, from working with couples, from being married, from researching and working with strong marital counseling research, just about any marriage can work; as long as there is no violence, abuse or serious substance abuse problems. Yet even in those more serious cases there are forms of therapy that can save marriages where there are such serious problems....

Duddy :

For a marriage to work, core-relationship needs (especially emotional ones) need to expressed and met reciprocally otherwise the unmet need causes deep frustration and anxiety. It's about having basic relationship maintenance skills. Spiritual and physical health can be pursued individually and jointly within a a marriage at different times. For example, you can exercise and so can he. You don't have to be together for that. If you learn to meet each others core emotional needs then the rest most often falls into place spontaneously (for example, physical intimacy).

Customer:

how do we go about learning about the core relationship needs and how to do this?

Duddy :

You've heard it probably thousands of times "communication." Communication is the the most important skill here. It's like driving. If you don't learn to drive safely someone can get hurt. Once you practice and learn proper driving it's effortless most of the time.

Duddy :

I recommend to the couples I've worked with that they read a book together by Dr. Sue Johnson called "Hold me Tight." She's the best evidence-based marital therapist in the world right now. The book guides you both through a conversation that gets right to the heart of the matter. Let me get you a few links.....

Duddy :

I'm not marketing or "affiliated" in anyway. I just use the best researched resources when working with couples...

Customer:

i understand

Duddy :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrKME6y2ZOM

Duddy :

Great video by the author

Customer:

thank you so much for your time, your patience and your assistance.

Duddy :

Here's the research to back it up:

Duddy :

http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=48&Itemid=80

Duddy :

You're very welcome.

Customer:

If i should desire to speak with you again or my husband need to communicate with someone would you be available? how does that work?

Duddy :

When customers want to ask me a question they simply address the new quest to "Duddy" in the justanswer.com question list when they submit it.

Customer:

great!! thanks again and have a great day!

Duddy :

You also.

Duddy :

...

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