How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask DuddyH Your Own Question

DuddyH
DuddyH, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 154
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
DuddyH is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

ive been married for 8 years. we have been separated the

Resolved Question:

ive been married for 8 years. we have been "separated" the last 2...since i found he was having a relationship w another woman online. we both love each other. we keep trying to get back together. ive moved back a couple times but i leave again when things get tough. i get tired of fussing. alcohol seems to fuel the low lying issues we have anyway and explosion. i leave again. i feel lost, confused and afraid of making the wrong decision either way
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  DuddyH replied 3 years ago.

Duddy :

Welcome, I am a professional counselor, Behavioral-Consultant and relationship expert.

Duddy :

Can you tell me a bit more about how alcohol fuels the low lying issues?

Customer:

i don't want to blame all our issues on alcohol first off. we are both grown adults able to make our own decisions. i do enjoy drinking beer occasionally to wind down. my husband drinks a bit more than i do but it seems anger, maybe emotions in general escalate sometimes when we are drinking. i have less tolerance for him sometimes and if negative issues arise we don't communicate positively. we just get angry.

Duddy :

I see your typing. I'll wait for your response.

Customer:

when we got married my daughter was 11. she has been "difficult" since she was 14. both my husband and I had lived most of our adult life single. it has been a challenge for all of us

Customer:

i am a RN. i have always been the caregiver of my family. when i got married and my daughter was acting out (which she still is) my marriage, work and my daughter was all I felt i could handle. I minimized the care I provided for my great aunt whom i also cared for. she passed away in 2006. I was closer to her than to my own mother. i grieved her and still do somewhat but for a while there it was very hard. i found my husband was having this relationship in 2009. it began in 2006. mostly messages back and forth. I don't know if it got physical but if not it was well on its way. I felt so betrayed. I am grieving and he is so selfish hes cheating. In hind site we can see how i closed in, felt anger, sadness etc. he says he thought i was unhappy with him, angry with him. we began to grow apart.

Duddy :

I'm very sorry to hear that. I'll wait till you finish your entries to respond.

Customer:

my husband has been raised "military". his dad a pilot in the navy, his sister a navy commander, retired now with no children. he is a army helicopter pilot, contracts from the government now, not still in the army. He and his sister are the only children in the family and he has been cared for by his mother of course who is "an officers wife" and his sister. They seem to still think of him as the baby boy whom they take care of. especially with him being single so long. They decorated his home, helped with landscaping everything couples do except sex. I sometimes feel he doesn

Customer:

i feel he doesn't need me except for the sexual part of the relationship. hes been trying to improve upon this issue.

Customer:

i know we can look each other in the eye and we do very much so love each other. we enjoy being with each other. we had the best day together, we even had midday sex after morning sex. we are learning to be considerate of another person. we do want to learn to be good to one another. i am afraid of losing myself in him I guess. I am seeking my own self worth at the present. my daughter is 20 and doing drugs. i have no one that needs me to take care of them, except at work. i am seeking the reason to get out of bed every day.

Duddy :

Again, you've provided some very clear information here. It's good for someone to write or type what their feeling and experiencing to help them process....

Duddy :

Also, just you know, I am very pro-marriage and family. I'm a pro-marriage counselor with a bias for saving marriages.

Duddy :

If you feel comfortable proceeding here, I get a clear sense from what you've written of the situation you're describing.....

Duddy :

What I need to know is what your question is. I understand the situation better but not the question. Please clarify.

Customer:

I don't give up things easily or accept failure very well. I fear I may be trying to make something work that just never may be healthy for me. Life is difficult enough to me without me trying to make a square object fit into a circle hole. make sense?

Duddy :

The statement makes sense, but it doesn't really clarify a question.

Customer:

I have also made poor decisions in the past, which makes me question my decisions. And, if I am so happy with him why do I always leave?

Customer:

does our marriage seem it could be healthy?

Customer:

could i continue my journey of seeking mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health and not have to leave my husband? I wonder if there is a such as just to much water under the bridge

Duddy :

In my view, from working with couples, from being married, from researching and working with strong marital counseling research, just about any marriage can work; as long as there is no violence, abuse or serious substance abuse problems. Yet even in those more serious cases there are forms of therapy that can save marriages where there are such serious problems....

Duddy :

For a marriage to work, core-relationship needs (especially emotional ones) need to expressed and met reciprocally otherwise the unmet need causes deep frustration and anxiety. It's about having basic relationship maintenance skills. Spiritual and physical health can be pursued individually and jointly within a a marriage at different times. For example, you can exercise and so can he. You don't have to be together for that. If you learn to meet each others core emotional needs then the rest most often falls into place spontaneously (for example, physical intimacy).

Customer:

how do we go about learning about the core relationship needs and how to do this?

Duddy :

You've heard it probably thousands of times "communication." Communication is the the most important skill here. It's like driving. If you don't learn to drive safely someone can get hurt. Once you practice and learn proper driving it's effortless most of the time.

Duddy :

I recommend to the couples I've worked with that they read a book together by Dr. Sue Johnson called "Hold me Tight." She's the best evidence-based marital therapist in the world right now. The book guides you both through a conversation that gets right to the heart of the matter. Let me get you a few links.....

Duddy :

I'm not marketing or "affiliated" in anyway. I just use the best researched resources when working with couples...

Customer:

i understand

Duddy :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrKME6y2ZOM

Duddy :

Great video by the author

Customer:

thank you so much for your time, your patience and your assistance.

Duddy :

Here's the research to back it up:

Duddy :

http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=48&Itemid=80

Duddy :

You're very welcome.

Customer:

If i should desire to speak with you again or my husband need to communicate with someone would you be available? how does that work?

Duddy :

When customers want to ask me a question they simply address the new quest to "Duddy" in the justanswer.com question list when they submit it.

Customer:

great!! thanks again and have a great day!

Duddy :

You also.

Duddy :

...

DuddyH, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 154
Experience: Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
DuddyH and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education
 
 
 

Related Mental Health Questions