Welcome, I am a professional counselor, Behavioral-Consultant and relationship expert.
Can you tell me a little bit about what is you want from him and how you talk down to him?
I want him to be more appreciative and open. I talk down to him by telling him he is a disappointment and lazy
What are the top 2 things you need from him but that you are not getting?
I feel like I do alot and that I don't get as much in return although he doesn't ask those things from me I just in some way for obligated to do them.
I need better communication and more affection
What did you need him to communicate about?
What specific actions could he do to meet your healthy need for more affection?
Bring me little things like cards or flowers or hold my hand or just hug me and tell me how much he appreciates me .
Things have gotten to the point where we have only been sexual twice this year.
Well sex is secondary to emotional needs...
the relationships science and best practices in evidence-based couples' counseling say that:
1. You need to get your need to feel loved and to come first in his life for the relationship to last and be healthy...
2. Effective couples communication is critical for getting relationship defining needs expressed and met....
I feel like most of the time he puts his needs before mine
3. Physical intimacy flows naturally from healthy emotional intimacy, usually through steps 1 and 2
Sounds to me like you need to have a shared communication strategy....
Relationship maintenance skills are like learning to drive
What kind of things do you suggest
I would suggest on book you can read together on a sort of date night.
at least reading the same book at the same time if you can't be physically together...
The best relationship therapist in the world is Dr. Sue Johnson.......
Let me get you a link....
Do you think that the best solution right now is to stay away from him ?
I think the best solution is to learn an effective communication strategy and practice it together...
Unless there is an issue of health or safety you haven't mentioned.
Or some other fundamental source of incompatibility
Arguing comes from frustrated relationship needs
Crtisism is just a very badly expressed need
identify and meet each other's needs and there's no more arguing
I only left on Sunday with all my clothes and I am at my parents right now. I am 38 years old and feel like a loser because I have been in this situation over and over just different relationships and a failed marriage several years back.
I am always the one picking the arguments... he hates to fight with me
I don't know why I feel the need to do it all the time
I think if you learn to communicate your needs more effectively and get them met you won't have this problem.
How do I communicate what I need ?
but your partner must do the same in exchange.
You need to learn some basic communication skills...takes a few weeks to learn and practice.
That's why I recommend this book:
Her communication strategy for couples is the most tested and validated in marital therapy
This book is very easy to read and it asks you and your partner (ideally you read it together) questions
It teaches you to identify needs and communicate as you read the book
Once you've practiced, you'll have the new skill and so will your partner.
Like driving you need to learn how to maintain a relationship properly or people can get hurt.
I recommend this book to save you reading one of thousands on the market that may not be helpful or even harmful for lack of science behind it.
I'm not selling anything here, I'm a couples counselor who studies couples counseling and this is the best couples counseling/communication approach.
Once you learn solid driving skills, you can then drive safely without even thinking about it. To many couples lack the basic relationship maintenance skills.
So do you think time apart for us is going to be harmful
We have alot of differences and I don't even know if we communicate properly if I will be happy.
It's hard to say for sure.
I don't want to go back if I am going to set myself up for more heartache. I can't sleep or eat
I am just tore up inside
If you clarify that you'd both like a cool down break but that you'd like to work on the relationship in a healthy way (i.e. read the book while apart for example) then sure it may be a good thing.
So maybe take a break for a week or so and then get together after reading the book and deciding if this guy's for you.
We both agreed that we needed time to cool down. Things have been not so good for some time now.
Right now when I talk to him all I do is cry.
so maybe that's your burning platform for positive change. You either agree to learn how to be an effective couple or it likely won't work anyway.
Even though I was miserable because my needs were not getting met for some reason I do miss him.
I think for you the lesson must be about learning relationship maintenance skills for this relationship or for your next one if you leave.
I have alot of issues that I need to deal with as well.
Well, if you still miss each other, its a good sign that you are still bonded emotionally.
So you may want to consider individual counseling.
I have a need to be perfect and I am always trying to make him that way as well
I don't know why that is but I annoy myself as well.
Sound's to me like a counseling would be helpful then.
I am trying to get an appointment with someone
If you have relationship problems that are unrelated to the relationship or relationship maintenance issues (you can't meet needs or get needs met because of a personal/individual issue) then that's about individual learning and change.
CBT is very good for individual work:
I will check into that.
You can real positive results in just a few sessions.
Ok. Well I hope this has been helpful for you.
Have I answered your question well?
Are you still there?
Yes just crying
What steps are you taking to get to counseling?
Do you have an eap program at work?
sorry rough day. My boss came in and asked if I was Ok because I was quiet
what is EAP
employee assistance program
you can often get free counseling through such a program
we don't have that here
Have I answered your question today?
Yes thank you for your help
You are very welcome. Please don't forget to press the green accept button at sign out. I'd love it if you could leave a brief feedback not as well.