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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5247
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I have a friend who I talk with on the phone And when I am

Resolved Question:

I have a friend who I talk with on the phone
And when I am not feeling well enough to
Talk due to my chronic illness, I write her.
She never writes back. We speak less frequently
And at the end of our recent conversation I said,
I don't write anymore because you never write back,
And I called you a few days ago, and now you call
Me back, so I am glad we finally caught up.
I was nice about it but she said nothing in response
To this comment, which annoyed me further. Also,
The talks are all about her, which is ok but I feel little
Connection with her because she doesn't feel the need
To keep the same level of communication and when we
Do finally speak, she goes right into her issues. She can
Be empathetic and supportive, but selfish too.
My family don't like her and see her as spoiled and
Selfish. I know too she can be supportive, but the
Selfishness is a turn off. Is it worth saying anything
Else to her because I am Still angry and feel no resolve?
Another friend of mine always asks me how I am feeling
But she never does. It appears she's ok with the increase
In distance which I am reluctant to further express my
Anger, particularly since she didn't even respond to my
Statement. Thank you for advice.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like this is definitely a one sided relationship. Even though she can be supportive, it sounds like she is mostly interested in herself.

 

It would be ok to mention your feelings to her again. But since you have already noted that she is ok with not talking to you and she has not done anything to encourage the relationship to continue, you are most likely looking at a losing battle with her.

 

Saying something to her at this point may help you, however. Sometimes, it is not so much the response we get when we express something we feel to someone who has hurt us. It becomes more about getting the feelings off your chest. For example, with your situation, you could contact her via email or phone (whichever works for you) and let her know you felt hurt about her reaction to what you said. Let her know anything else you feel then let it go. Tell her that you are moving on.

 

The point here is not to be mean or angry, but rather to allow yourself to express your feelings in a calm and direct way.

 

You can also just let it go. This is also a good option since you have already let her know about how you feel and she did not respond well. Find others you feel safe talking to and let them know how you feel about this relationship. Sometimes just letting it out will make you feel much better.

 

I hope this helps,

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Since this is such a turn off to me, I wonder seriously if I can continue this relationship which seems more depressing because I need a lot of support, I suffer with chronic pain. Irarely talk about it a d she knows about
It but seems oblivious about it. This is why I can't see her as often as I used to. And even that doesn't seem
To bother her so much as it does me. Yet, when I do see her, I have underlying feelings that she is receptive
And keenly in tune with me but mainly wrapped up in herself. I am beginning to think we have less of a relationship than I thought we did. It shouldn't hurt so much since I know her ways. So I either need to accept and grieve the limitations of this relationship or allow it to die out. Any. Suggestions?t
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
In fact when she talks a put herself, I can't even be enthusiastically supportive
And I have lots of my own issues and get no realcomnection and support from her.
If I ask and open up, she will be there for me, but still is selfish.
Rarely offered to help either, although I have a husband. Meaning, my
Lomits due to pain. She' has some unexpected erratic anger fits but that I do t
See any ore, because I see her less
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It sounds like she does not give you what a friend should give you, which is a two way street when it comes to sharing.

 

You are feeling unhappy with this relationship. It is not worth continuing in an unhappy situation, especially if the other person is not willing to change.

 

If this was a one time incident with her then I'd say yes, this relationship is worth the effort. But you said that she has been like this since you met her which tells you that it is part of her personality to be like this. That means it is unlikely to change, even if you say something to her about it.

 

It is most likely the best option to allow this relationship to die out and let yourself grieve over it. It is not an appealing option, but in the long run it would be the best one.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5247
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 4 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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