Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
Your fears and concerns about your daughter are not unreasonable. You obviously love her and want the best for her. This boy, Jacob, has a history of not being responsible and has been mean to your daughter before. That is enough wrong behavior to be concerned about.
What you did by having your husband intervene was appropriate. Your husband needs to be involved and take a role in what is happening. In the future, it would help the situation a lot if your husband took control at times and enforced some of the decisions you both make together. That way, it distributes the parental power and gives your daughter two adults to "hate". Right now, her feelings are directed at you, most likely because she feels you have the power and her father was just doing what you asked him to do.
Your daughter may be angry with you, but she knows that you are trying to prevent her from getting hurt. But she is a teenager and being with this boy is all new to her. So she is allowing her feelings to get ahead of her logic. And this is ok. She is supposed to make mistakes while she is with you so you can help her through it. The trick is to minimize the damage so she does not get hurt worse.
You are the parent and you make the rules. Making your daughter happy is not one of them. Kids do not like rules. However, because you love your daughter and want the best for her, there also needs to be a balance as well, which is where the hard part comes in.
The first step in dealing with this is to sit down with your husband and decide how you both want to handle your daughter's relationship with Jacob. A good place to start is trust. Right now, you have some trust in your daughter but very little to none in Jacob. So make them prove to you they are worthy of trust. You can have them see each other at your house. Then they can "graduate" to seeing each other outside of your house but in public places only, such as the mall. Limit the time they have together until they can prove they can be trusted. Have your daughter call in every hour or hour and a half (she can visit the ladies room to do this so she is not embarrassed). Set up the specific steps until you and your husband are satisfied.
Then sit with your daughter and spell it all out. Be prepared to allow for some wiggle room, such as 30 minute longer at the mall or two visits instead of three one week at home. But for the most part, stick to the plan. Tell your daughter that she has plenty of chances to prove she can be trusted. When she proves it, you will allow a little bit more freedom. But any violations of trust and it goes back to the first level or to no contact at all until you say differently. And stick to it. Kids respect gentle but firm authority with little to no emotion shown.
As for the party, unless you can verify that there will be parental supervision and you feel comfortable with the parents (you know them, or know people who know them and trust them), then you might want to say no to that one. Two kids in love together is one thing, a group of teenagers with no parental supervision or untrustworthy supervision is another.
Letting your daughter earn trust is a good way to teach her that she doesn't automatically get trusted just because she says so. It will teach her a good lesson and will help her learn she needs to earn her way. And if she makes mistakes, she will have you and your husband to help her through it. Experience is a good teacher.
Let me know if I can help in any other way,Kate
I haven't heard from you. Did you have more questions or want clarification?
The issue here is building up trust. Your daughter getting off the bus at another stop without telling you says that she cannot be trusted. In order to communicate this to her, you should tell her simply that she needs to prove to you that she can be trusted. Then tell her why. Getting off the bus at another stop is not ok. She needs to keep you informed so you do not worry. Telling you first that she intended on doing this would have shown responsibility. Making the situation about her boyfriend takes away from her responsibility of informing you of her whereabouts.
Focusing on her boyfriend and not her ability to be responsible is making this about the wrong thing. If your daughter showed responsibility, then you would not need to have these concerns.
Talk with your husband as soon as you can (tonight if possible) and decide how you want to handle this. Whether your daughter sees her boyfriend once a week or five times a week, it should be focused on her earning the right to see him, not how often she sees him. Start slow and build up from there.
If you feel that you cannot come to a solution with her, then it might be a good idea to seek counseling so you can resolve this together with a neutral third party.
Can I help you any further?