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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5472
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi. My husband had a relationship with 17 YEAR OLD GIRL,

Resolved Question:

Hi.
My husband had a relationship with 17 YEAR OLD GIRL, MY BEST FRIENDS DAUGHTER. mY BEST FRIEND LIVES NEXT DOOR TO ME AND i AM NOW THE TALK OF THE VILLAGE. tHE RELATIONSHIP LASTED 2 YEARS ON AND OFF. hE HAS COME AND GONE FIVE TIMES NOW AND i JUST DONT KNOW WHY I CANT JUST TELL HIM TO GO. hE HAS LEFT AGAIN AND IS NOT WITH THIS GIRL. bUT HE HAS LEFT ME IN ALL THE MESS HE CAUSED. i HAVE THE HOUSE ON THE MARKET AND HOPE DESPERATELY TO SELL QUICKLY. hE SAYS HE WANTS TO CLEAR HIS HEAD AND COME BACK WANTING IT TO WORK FOR ME AND HIM NOT JUST FOR THE KIDS. sHOULD I GIVE HIM SPACE AND LET HIM BACK OR SHOULD I CALL IT QUITS AND TELL HIM TO GO. i LOVE HIM SO MUCH
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

You could stay with your husband, but it sounds like he is thinking of himself at this point and not about you. So it may not be a wise decision to stay. He may end up hurting you more, especially if he is not willing to see this as his fault and get help with you to repair your marriage.

 

It is very heartbreaking to have to end a marriage. And if you decide to end yours, it will be difficult for a while. You still love your husband even in spite of what he has done. That shows you have a huge capacity to love. But you also need to think about having that same love for yourself. Allowing your husband to come and go as he pleases, ignore your wedding vows and embarrass you in front of others is hard on your self esteem and deeply hurtful. In order to gain back some of that esteem and gain control over your life again, you will need to decide how you want to handle your marriage and not allow your husband to have the control. Your husband is not thinking of you or your marriage. So you will need to be the strong one here.

 

Ending your marriage is a loss. Any loss will cause you to mourn. Mourning is difficult to go through. No one wants to do it. But as you work through your loss, you become stronger for it. And more experienced. You also will learn to love yourself so the next relationship you have you have a better chance of making a go of it because you will know what you want and what you need.

 

If you choose to end your marriage, do not go through it alone. There are many resources out there to help you. Divorce, unfortunately, is very common. So the amount of help available is endless. Here are some resources to get you started:

 

http://www.drw.org.uk/

 

http://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Support-Groups.html

 

http://www.divorcesupportgroup.co.uk/

 

Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage by Lee Raffel

 

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum

 

My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me by Anne Bercht

 

Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart by Douglas K. Snyder PhD, Donald H. Baucom PhD and Kristina Coop Gordon PhD

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Remember, you need to care for yourself during this time of decision. If you can, go out with friends or spend time with family. Talk to those who understand. Rely on your counselor to help you. Maybe even go to counseling more often if you need the support. You will get through this and end up happier than you are now. Hang in there.

 

Let me know if I can help in any other way,

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

He is staying at a friends and says he is getting his head sorted. He says he cant forget things that were said in the past. Little things, that I cannot even remember. He says that he didnt know I loved him and I didnt show it. You see. When we first me he smoked. I didnt mind but he gave up to start a family. We found out he coulndt have kids so we opted for Donor. This has been a major thing in our lives. Him always saying he doesnt feel like a real dad. He is a fake. But he is the best father in the world. He never stopped smoking. Whn he came in after work I wanted a kiss but he would give me one becuase he had been smoking and he had told me he had given up. Its only now after ten years that he admits that he smokes. It never bothered me before and it doesnt bother me now. BUt I felt he only wanted me for sex as he didnt give me cuddles so I was a little resentful. And he felt I didnt want him becuase of my resentment. Rather stupid really but all because of the lie of smoking. He got a bad back and gave up his post man job and worked with me as a book keeper until his back was better. IN the summer holidays he held a few village summer camps for the local kids. This is where he enlisted this girl to help. They text and met up regularly after this. He liked her company and they made each other laugh. But there ws no sex involved. Her mother went mad and the village got to hear about it. My kids were teased down the park. JUst before CHristmas the relationship stopped and he is now ashamed and embarrassed. He hates being in the village and wont even go out of the front door in daylight. He paces round the house like a caged animal. I needed to talk about things and he didnt. Me talking was a reminder of what he had done. It was only a couple of weeks ago that I realised that I have to put this behind me and stop bringing it up as its not healthy if I want to move on. But I realised there was no affection, no emotion from him at all and questioned him about things. He said he loved me but didnt have the passion inside him any more. He felt empty. He had lost his zest for everything. It was a couplke of weeks ago that I though he was getting his spark back with the kids and he seemed to be starting to enjoy the football coaching that he was doing again. Sometimes he was very angry. Then he would calm down. I tried to cuddle him and he shouted at me to go and find someone else, im worthless. I asked gently but I still got no affection, no cuddles or kisses. Then last week he went. Said he wanted to clear his head. AM I dealing with someone with depression or someone who just doesnt love me anymore. When we dont talk about things we get on really well, its great, and thats what I want it to be like. No more talking about things. But I now beg him and this winds him up. I ant him home as I thought we were just turning a corner. But again he brings up stupid thngs that i have said. Why i beg I dont know. He has total control over me and I dont know what to do. To cap it all last week I found out that I need a major operation on my left eye caused from the pressure and stress that I have been under. He says he wants to help me when I come out of hospital but I dont know whether this is to cover his guilt for causing my hurt or whether he really wants to help me. I just dont know which way to turn.

 

really I am asking, am I dealing with someone who has depression who I can wait for or does this guy just want out.

 

Thank u

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for the additional information. It helps me understand your situation better.

 

It sounds like he is putting a lot of his problems and emotions on you instead of being responsible for them himself. If he cared about your marriage, he would put you first and be willing to work on the issues. But instead, he is blaming you and withholding his affection. That is not how to deal with problems.

 

Part of what is happening is his feelings of inadequacy about not being able to have natural children. He seems to be equating his problem with his ability to be a man. He is ok with kids but his relationship with you reminds him of his feelings of inadequacy. Although his value as a father and husband are not in question, he is questioning it. And he is blaming it on you. So he goes out and hooks up with a 17 year old to prove he still is able to be a man. But what happens instead is that he messes up his marriage and causes you pain.

 

It seems then that he is both depressed and having trouble with your marriage. The problem is that he is not willing to work on either issue. Counseling would do wonders in helping him feel better about himself and to repair your marriage.

 

Try asking him again about going with you. If he still won't go, ask him if he will see a pastor (if you attend church) or talk to a trusted friend or family member. He could even try his doctor. But he needs to talk to someone.

 

On your part, try to regain your strength by making a stand about how he treats you. Refuse to allow him to shout at you. When he starts, walk away. If he insults you, ask him to leave. Welcome him back when he treats you better. By doing this, he learns he cannot use you as his punching bag. It will also give him less chance to blame you and more of a chance to see himself as part of the problem.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5472
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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