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Doctor Blake
Doctor Blake, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 146
Experience:  Ph.D., Ed.S., NCSP Clinical Psychologist; 15+ years of experience; dual licensure
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My son is married has one child almost 2 wants to be married

Resolved Question:

My son is married has one child almost 2 wants to be married have a family life and as tried everything to hold it together. She on the other hand does not want this and has moved out with the child to her mothers same town and over a period of 3 years it has happened several times he has moved for her does all the cooking and she is very nice to be around, but she has always been cold distant and numb. He has tried to sit down and talk to her but she feels threaten defensive and then gets mad. I think she is moved out for the last time I hope. He is a basket case and can't hardly function she on the other hand is just going on. I don't know what to tell him and I don't know how to make him understand he will be so much better without her and eventually he will find that life with
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Doctor Blake replied 5 years ago.

Doctor Blake :

Good afternoon, and thanks for writing to JA.

Doctor Blake :

I'm sorry to hear about your son's loss... and this really is what it is, a loss.

Doctor Blake :

Much like the stages of grief that Kubler-Ross identified when we lose someone we love to death, your son may well be processing the stages of grieving currently.

Doctor Blake :

It sounds as though he remains in the first stage of the grief cycle: denial.

Doctor Blake :

The subsequent stages (and no one goes through the process in an entirely linear fashion) include anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Doctor Blake :

What may complicate this process, if I understand correctly, is that your son is the father of one (perhaps two) of the children of this woman, correct?

Customer:

yes

Doctor Blake :

He will always be the father of these children, even if he is not the husband of mother of these children.

Customer:

He can't seem to get passed the dream of watching the little girl play on the floor fixing a meal going to a movie all the things that family life brings he just wants it so bad

Doctor Blake :

Going through the process of a divorce or dissolution will allow him to clear his head somewhat - and begin to see that concrete ways in which he will be able to maintain his relationship with his child(ren) while formally separating from his former wife.

Doctor Blake :

He can still have those things... but he can't have it with his former wife... and needs to look ahead to how he can build this within his own small family (of himself, his daughter... and perhaps next child).

Doctor Blake :

With father's day coming up, it may be appropriate to help your son reframe his future. Here are a couple of books to consider for a father's day gift:

Doctor Blake :

http://www.amazon.com/Mans-Feelings-Finding-Closure-Divorce/dp/0979848431/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1307993524&sr=1-2

Doctor Blake :

http://www.amazon.com/Always-Dad-Father-During-Divorce/dp/1413304958/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1307993614&sr=1-2

Customer:

yes I agree and we have had that conversation also. It has been only a week and I realize that it is too soon but I worry he has a business of which she was part of and now she still is in the same place as he is working and doing the same thing but for someone else and he she her and can't stand it. ok I see the books

Doctor Blake :

Many states also allow for families to divorce (or at least dissolve) without the need for excessive attorney involvement. There are a host of sites on the internet that will help your son begin that process himself.

Doctor Blake :

Many churches also offer "divorce support groups" for families (or individuals) who need them.

Doctor Blake :

You might also want to check (or at least start here): http://www.divorcecare.org/

Doctor Blake :

Offer to go with your son to a group or two, to show your support as well.

Doctor Blake :

Much like those who face the beginning of the process of grief when losing a loved one to death, it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to imagine life on the other side of this process...

Doctor Blake :

...but with some of these groups, perhaps starting with some reading, and exploring on-line, your son will see that, while difficult, we all survive divorce... and in many cases... are better individuals, parents, and family members once we're through the whole process.

Customer:

she has never been the one in his relationship to make the first move he has found the places for them to live choose the curtains cook the meals takes care of the little girl and so on I realize she has her own problems it seems she can't commit first sign of trouble she wants to bolt and run and he always tried to fix it and do everything for her

Doctor Blake :

Well, then in all likelihood, he will have to be the first to move forward with formal separation.

Doctor Blake :

If there are genuine concerns that your son will be unable to manage this, he may want to consider counseling. Going to a couples' counselor (even if he's only going by himself) or a family counselor can be helpful in getting your son "disentangled" from what sounds like a fairly "enmeshed" relationship with this woman. But, this is likely not 100% necessary... just another resource to consider.

Doctor Blake :

I do wish you (and your son and granddaughter) all the best.

Doctor Blake :

Anything else I can help with?

Customer:

yes because I think she is relieved of the pressure that I think he has put on her to perform as a wife and she just doesn't want it and little by little as told him so in different ways

Customer:

yes I think you have helped me and I will support him and he knows that. Thank you

Doctor Blake :

Best of luck. Please click <ACCEPT>. Thanks.

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