Good afternoon, and thanks for writing to JA.
I'm sorry to hear about your son's loss... and this really is what it is, a loss.
Much like the stages of grief that Kubler-Ross identified when we lose someone we love to death, your son may well be processing the stages of grieving currently.
It sounds as though he remains in the first stage of the grief cycle: denial.
The subsequent stages (and no one goes through the process in an entirely linear fashion) include anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
What may complicate this process, if I understand correctly, is that your son is the father of one (perhaps two) of the children of this woman, correct?
He will always be the father of these children, even if he is not the husband of mother of these children.
He can't seem to get passed the dream of watching the little girl play on the floor fixing a meal going to a movie all the things that family life brings he just wants it so bad
Going through the process of a divorce or dissolution will allow him to clear his head somewhat - and begin to see that concrete ways in which he will be able to maintain his relationship with his child(ren) while formally separating from his former wife.
He can still have those things... but he can't have it with his former wife... and needs to look ahead to how he can build this within his own small family (of himself, his daughter... and perhaps next child).
With father's day coming up, it may be appropriate to help your son reframe his future. Here are a couple of books to consider for a father's day gift:
yes I agree and we have had that conversation also. It has been only a week and I realize that it is too soon but I worry he has a business of which she was part of and now she still is in the same place as he is working and doing the same thing but for someone else and he she her and can't stand it. ok I see the books
Many states also allow for families to divorce (or at least dissolve) without the need for excessive attorney involvement. There are a host of sites on the internet that will help your son begin that process himself.
Many churches also offer "divorce support groups" for families (or individuals) who need them.
You might also want to check (or at least start here): http://www.divorcecare.org/
Offer to go with your son to a group or two, to show your support as well.
Much like those who face the beginning of the process of grief when losing a loved one to death, it is almost IMPOSSIBLE to imagine life on the other side of this process...
...but with some of these groups, perhaps starting with some reading, and exploring on-line, your son will see that, while difficult, we all survive divorce... and in many cases... are better individuals, parents, and family members once we're through the whole process.
she has never been the one in his relationship to make the first move he has found the places for them to live choose the curtains cook the meals takes care of the little girl and so on I realize she has her own problems it seems she can't commit first sign of trouble she wants to bolt and run and he always tried to fix it and do everything for her
Well, then in all likelihood, he will have to be the first to move forward with formal separation.
If there are genuine concerns that your son will be unable to manage this, he may want to consider counseling. Going to a couples' counselor (even if he's only going by himself) or a family counselor can be helpful in getting your son "disentangled" from what sounds like a fairly "enmeshed" relationship with this woman. But, this is likely not 100% necessary... just another resource to consider.
I do wish you (and your son and granddaughter) all the best.
Anything else I can help with?
yes because I think she is relieved of the pressure that I think he has put on her to perform as a wife and she just doesn't want it and little by little as told him so in different ways
yes I think you have helped me and I will support him and he knows that. Thank you
Best of luck. Please click <ACCEPT>. Thanks.