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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5482
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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After almost 14 years of marriage, details about my wifes

Resolved Question:

After almost 14 years of marriage, details about my wife's past that I have known about the entire time have started to bother me to the point of making me depressed and miserable. What treatment options, if any, are available, and what can I do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Has something happened recently to make you feel insecure? It does not necessarily have to be something in your marriage. It can be something at work or in other personal situations. Oftentimes, feeling bothered about your spouse's past can be triggered easily because it is about insecurity and not about her past.

 

When men feel insecure, it can be intense. Men focus on feeling adequate in relationships. They want to provide and to protect. They also want their partners to focus on them. They don't appreciate competition. So feeling insecure can make you aware that at one time, your wife's focus was elsewhere.

 

How is your relationship with your wife? Have you both been close to each other or have you started having difficulties? This can cause you to feel you might lose her and things in her past would begin to bother you.

 

If everything is ok with your marriage and you have no reason to believe there is anything wrong, then the issue is with how you feel. Keep in mind that your wife is with you now. Fourteen years together shows that you are both devoted to each other and care for one another. Your wife left those previous situations to be with you. And she has proven she is done with her past by staying with you all these years. If you have no reason to believe anything has changed, then your wife intends on staying with you always.

 

Because you feel this problem is interfering with your life and relationship, some brief counseling should help you put it all back into focus. To find a therapist, talk to your doctor for a referral. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

Here are some resources to help you:

 

Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind by Kristin Neff

 

Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning

 

If This Is Love Why Do I Feel So Insecure? by Carl G Hindy, J. Conrad Schwarz and Archie Brodsky

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

 

I have had some things happen recently that made me feel insecure, and my wife and I had talked about them and our relationship seems much stronger now.

 

Many things about her past had bothered me, such as how I was initially treated and her dumping me to try to get back together with a previous boy friend, plus a couple other instances where I felt slighted. She also had a very active freshman year in college.

 

All of the other issues I finally feel comfortable with, but the one that I can't get out of my head in a one night stand (the only she says she has had) with a team mate on my cross country team before we met. My teammate had walked her back to her room, but her roommate had locked her out because she had her boyfriend over. My wife didn't want to have to get the RA involved and my teammate offered for her to come to his house. After they were there he tried to talk her into sex several times and she finally gave in, and lied to her about not being able to date due to work considerations later (we both worked at a student study hall, and she was a gymnast). At one point I got the impression she was pressured into sex, at another she said she should have been stronger and gave in to tempation. This one event sticks in my head and I have trouble dealing with it almost daily.

 

I only started thinking about it shortly after we talked about our relationship being stale and things had started getting better. Any ideas?

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Your feelings are probably due to the impulsive nature of what your wife did with your teammate. It may bother you that she could be pressured into having sex and did not use good judgment with the situation. The fact that you both were recently having some problems with your relationship may have made you feel that your wife would use the same judgment and have another quick type of relationship or that she could be talked into one.

 

But you need to keep in mind that at the time she made this choice, she was a young and inexperienced girl. She did not know you yet, so you had no influence on her choice. She has since become an adult with responsibilities and knows from experience that this was not a wise choice to make. She also knows that this man lied to her, so the experience was probably not a good one for her. She may even wish to forget the experience. The chances of her repeating something like this are slim to none, especially if she has never shown behavior like this since.

 

Everyone makes mistakes in their past. We all wish there were things that we had not done. This is one of your wife's mistakes and one she most likely wishes she could re do. If you have not already, talk with her about it. She can reassure you that everything is different now.

 

The focus here is on you and why you are feeling this way. Therapy and the books can help you find out why and help you deal with these feelings so you don't have them interfere with your life again.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5482
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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