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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am a hardworking and devoted husband and father. I have been

Customer Question

I am a hardworking and devoted husband and father. I have been married for approx. 28 years and in the last 2 years my marriage went downhill with my wife accusing me of cheating. this has affected my teenage sons tremendously. Myself, our sons, her mom and sisters spoke with her to get counselling and she refuse claiming that I need counselling. I am willing to get counselling but she in in denial. Please advice.
Note: I love my family and has been faithful and hard working through out my marriage.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

In order to provide you with the best answer possible, I'd like to ask a few questions.

 

What prompted your wife to accuse you of cheating? Did something in particular happen?

 

Have you and your wife been having any other difficulties in your marriage?

 

Has there been any other issues with your wife's behavior? How old is your wife?

 

Thank you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I appreciate the accept very much. But I still would like the opportunity to help you with your question. If you would like to continue, please let me know your answers to my inquiries and I will be able to help you.

 

Thank you,
Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Kate

I am an electrician and sometimes i do have to work at nights. My ex-sisterinlaw is out to get her husband siblings because she felt that we had interfere with her bitter divorce with my brother. She has since been seeking advice from my wife and they have became good friend. She instigated my wife to look into my night work and alleged that I am cheating at nights. I have since invited and took my wife to night job locations when i am working. This went well for a short while and then the accusations started again. Things begin to get more complicated when her sister's husband whom I did get along with(because of a business deal that went bad when he did not upkeep his end) ended up in a divorce with his wife. Knowing what was happening in my marriage, he called my wife and told her that I was having or had an affair with his wife( my sister-in-law). He used this in his divorce and lost becase none of this is true. Both sides of our families got involve in this, did theri investigation and they told my wife it is not true, she does not believe it and feels that everyone is against her including her mom. Her relationship with her divorced sister has since fallen apart. I still do love my wife and cares for her very much. My wife just had a surgery and she allowed me to care for her, as soon as she started to feel better she got aggressive again. I have slept away from my wife on a sofa in the our home for the past 6 months. During her rehab. I was allowed to sleep next to her to help, this lasted for 3 nights then she started feeling better and asked me to get out of the room.

 

We have had disagreements before, but nothing with escalation. She was always very demanding. This affected both myself, her son from a previous marriage and my 2 teenage sons. She never ask us to do things, she tell us.

 

Over the years, my wife has been always fighting verbally with all of her sisters. The sisters always has issues among themselves. They are competetive with each other, if one has something the other will try to get something better.

At present, she would insult her mom (who is living with us) and our 3 boys by cursing them if they made mistakes and does not do their chores. The oldest boy is 35 y.o. and has his own apt. and does not want to visit because of his mom. He has a very close relationship with me since I treated him like my own since he was 4 y.o.

 

My wife is 57 y.o. and has put on weight over the past 3-4 years. This does not affect me in any ways. I love her because she is my wife and we had great times together with our kids. I though and still hope that we can grow old together.

 

Right now she lies to anyone that is concerned above our relationship to convince them that I am cheating.

 

I became very frustrated because nothing seems to help and i have filed for a divorced last week. She was not served as yet because of her surgery I requested it. I am still hoping.

Please advice.

 

Sorry i hit the 'accept' in error

 

Please advice

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

It sounds like there could be several reasons for her behavior.

 

The first step is to see if she is willing to see a doctor for a thorough checkup. Although it is very early for Alzheimer's, becoming combative and angry is one of the first signs. It is highly unlikely this is what your wife has, but it would be neglectful not to mention it as a possibility.

 

Your wife should also be screened for hormonal problems. Her endocrine system could be affected and there could be a number of disorders that can occur to cause her behavior.

 

With your wife being told by more than one person in the family that you were cheating was probably too much for her. If trust was shaking in your relationship before, she might have felt there was little choice but to believe it. Her acting out towards your children and others could be the misery she feels about your marriage. However, it does sound like from your description that she has some unresolved problems from her past that would make her susceptible to angry behavior. If so, she could be unable to separate her unresolved anger issues from the lies she was told about your behavior.

 

If you have not already, ask her what it would take to allow her to trust you again. There must be something that would prove to her once and for all that you can be trusted. If she is unable to come up with something, then this problem is about her own personal issues and not the trust issues in your marriage.

 

Since she will not go to therapy with you, she gives you little choice. Does she know about your desire to divorce? I ask because it could motivate her to go to counseling with you. Also, if you attend church you could see if she is willing to talk with your pastor with you. Sometimes therapy scares people but talking to a pastor is easier because of the nature of faith and church.

 

You may also want to consider a separation instead of an outright divorce. It is hard to know what will affect your wife, but seeing that you are considering divorce may shake her up enough to be willing to work on the issues.

 

Here are some resources that may help you as well:

 

Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage by Lee Raffel

 

Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken: Finding Forgiveness and Restoration by Cindy Beall

 

When Love Stumbles: How to Rediscover Love, Trust, and Fulfillment in Your Relationship by Randi Gunther

 

You can find these on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Present some of these options to your wife and see if she is willing to work on the issues with you. She is leaving you very few choices in this situation so hopefully, with more options to consider, she will be able to move beyond her anger and begin healing.

I hope this helps you,
Kate

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  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
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