My husband usually drinks 6-10 beers a day, starting toward the end of his work day ( (he works at home most days), around 3:30 until just before bed around 11pm. He doesn't drink liquor (on rare occasion if we're out); in fact, we've agreed not to have any liquor in the house. He only drinks beer. I will drink occasionally when with friends, but 1 - 2 drinks is all I ever have. He doesn't get obligerant or abusive by any means. He even takes care of all of his responsibilities, helps plenty around the house and with our 3 month old son. Regardless, his drinking really bothers me. If he only drank occasionally or even 4 or less beers a day, it wouldn't bother me. However, once he starts drinking each day, it's incredibly hard to NOT say anything to him, and when I do he gets extremely defensive.
He admits he is an alcoholic, as he comes from an alcoholic family. Years ago and long before we were together, he did
many worse additive things, including hard core drugs. He was forced to grow up and moved on after going through hard legal times and admits he never wants to go back there. However, he says he will not stop drinking beer no matter what and feels that is his only vice.
In my mind, it's like I'm keeping track each day and he crosses the line when he starts too early in the day (before 3:30 on occasion or before 1pm on a weekend) or when he has more than 4 or so. I always seem to notice and bring it up in some way. For example, I may say, "starting already?". Just saying one thing to that effect will begin the cycle and the evening seems to be ruined because he gets defensive. In turn, I feel guilty, we begin arguing back and forth and can get pretty loud at times. I'll start slamming doors and he yells in defense. We usually end up extremely mad at each other because neither of us will back down or apologize. Then, things won't be normal again until morning.
He reminds me that he's always drank this way since we first got together and he's right. But, as I've gotten older and once we began planning a family, I have a lot less tolerance for it. He agrees and appreciates that fact that I have kept him and still do keep him on a straight and narrow path, but he would just like to keep this one bad habit. I don't intend to try to change him, but I worry that he may begin drinking more and more. He's a wonderful husband, but I see his drinking as a weakness. I just want him to be the best that he can be; not only for me, but for our son.
I am tired of fighting and am longing for a peaceful, less stressful marriage. We have talked about this many times and even saw a counselor once. He consistently tells me he won't stop drinking. He says I'll probably find something else to nag about anyway. Then, why do I keep bringing it up when it simply results in the same thing over and over? How do I learn to accept and live with the fact that he wants to drink? I know that if I continue to nag him, this could drive him to drink more. I also know that he won't stop unless he wants to and he won't stop if I constantly ask this of him. So, why do I continue and how do I stop?
Couple more notes to add
-My husband says he feels I'm constantly judging him.
-I know I'm not perfect, but he says I act like I am.
-He says there are many things that I do that he doesn't like, but he looks beyond them without nagging.
-Occasionally, our fights will continue until I get so angry, I resort to swinging at or hitting my husband. Because of this, he says he is afraid of me. Lately, this is why I try to stop the fight early by saying "Let's just drop it!", even though I'm the one who started it. But once I've pissed him off, his defense kicks in and it's tough for him to turn his bad mood off. Obviously, I don't want to be physical, but when we continue to yell back and forth and don't get any where, this is what happens. Is this a controlling behavior on my part because I can't get him to do what I want him to do?