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Ask Doctor Blake Your Own Question
Doctor Blake
Doctor Blake, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 146
Experience:  Ph.D., Ed.S., NCSP Clinical Psychologist; 15+ years of experience; dual licensure
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i am married and is involved with also a married man- we both

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i am married and is involved with also a married man- we both dont want to leave our families - I constantly break up with him but still continue to go back> we are in-love but we know that we are together because our sex lives with each other are great and cannot find that in our current relationship. What should I do?

Doctor Blake :

Good evening, and welcome to JA.

Doctor Blake :

The answer to your question is simple: What do you value you more... your family or the great sex.

Doctor Blake :

There is no judgment placed on this question... you simply have to answer the question.

Customer:

both

Doctor Blake :

If you want an answer to this question, you have to make a decision...

Doctor Blake :

what do you value more.

Customer:

I have a sexless marriage-

Doctor Blake :

If you value your family more, then you need to get into couples counseling with your husband to get into a marriage that includes sex.

Doctor Blake :

If you value the sex more, then you need to divorce your husband and move on.

Doctor Blake :

(I suppose a 3rd option is to ask your husband if he will tolerate you "having your cake and eating it too..." which I find unlikely... and unfair to everyone involved.)

Doctor Blake :

You know you can't have both. So... you have to stop playing around and come to a decision.

Customer:

he is a man that has a lot of baggage and i had talked with him about this and did not think this was a serious issue-

Doctor Blake :

Which "he" are you talking about here... the one with the baggage, I mean.

Customer:

my husband -

Doctor Blake :

Well, if your husband has a lot of baggage, and you're ready to move on, then it's time to divorce.

Customer:

he is depressed most of the time and also have lots of health issue-

Doctor Blake :

I would recommend counseling for you both (as a couple, and perhaps him individually), but I think you've already moved on...

Doctor Blake :

...and just want someone to grant you permission to do so.

Doctor Blake :

But, you need to make this decision on your own... as you know.

Customer:

divorce is unfortunately not an option because I care about my family- I understand what you are saying- The problem is i also worked with this other man

Customer:

i just need to get out of this situation and need help to do that- I am very weak -

Doctor Blake :

Ahhh.

Doctor Blake :

I think YOU need to go see a family therapist.

Doctor Blake :

I say family therapist because - you'll get started with him/her as an individual - with the intent of involving your family when you've figured out enough about yourself first.

Doctor Blake :

This doesn't need to be a years-long process... but you need to get started now.

Customer:

is there someone locally in my area- that I could look for?

Doctor Blake :

If you're NOT willing to divorce, then you have to: (a) ask your husband for an open relationship; (b) continue cheating on him; (c) discontinue all contact with the other gentleman, period.

Doctor Blake :

Your area? (It would be unprofessional for me to recommend someone whom I don't know personally - but if you're close to where I'm at, I could try.)

Customer:

where are you?

Doctor Blake :

Otherwise, just google "family therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, couples counseling"

Doctor Blake :

I'm in Cincinnati, OH

Customer:

i'm from california.. I have to work on myself first

Doctor Blake :

(when you google, include your city... it'll focus down to your area.)

Doctor Blake :

Also, check your insurance recommendations.

Doctor Blake :

Take a deep breath.

Doctor Blake :

You

Doctor Blake :

(oops)

Doctor Blake :

You'll figure this out.

Customer:

i just need time - to get out of this - situation

Doctor Blake :

In the in between: I would recommend no contact with the other man until you start therapy. That means no sex, no meetings, no phone contact, no text, no etc...

Doctor Blake :

Cut it off... and give yourself time to be alone for a bit...

Customer:

I will- thanks

Doctor Blake :

and then get started with a good therapist. You're right to start with yourself and then proceed from there.

Doctor Blake :

Thank you.

Doctor Blake :

Please click <ACCEPT>.

Doctor Blake :

Best of luck to you.

Doctor Blake and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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