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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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My husband and I have been married for 37 yrs. We have had our ups and downs but 6 yrs ag

Resolved Question:

My husband and I have been married for 37 yrs. We have had our ups and downs but 6 yrs ago we lost our daughter at age 25. I have done my best to move on and focus on our other child, family, work and friends. My husband has lost focus on what I feel is important. He turns to alcohol to deal with things. He shows little interest in our business. He feels everyone puts his wants and needs last even when we try to do things that he wants to do. He does not want to do anything that most people feel are fun and relaxing. He would rather work on the equipment that he has or cut wood, plant food plots, etc. He does not want to do these by himself. He wants me to be involved in everything he does. I basically run our insurance office and also sell
Real Estate
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your husband may have complicated grief. This is a condition where the person gets stuck in an intense state of mourning. They avoid facing life and things that remind them of their loved one. They also feel that life is empty and they lack the motivation to recover.

 

Here is a link to explain complicated grief:

http://www.health.harvard.edu/fhg/updates/Complicated-grief.shtml

 

The fact that your husband is using alcohol tells you that he is trying to dull the pain of his loss. Alcohol use is common with people who do not want to feel emotional pain. He may also experience guilt over not being able to prevent your daughter's death. Men feel responsible for their families and when something bad happens, they can take that responsibility on themselves, even though there is nothing no human can do to prevent what happened.

 

Although everyone grieves differently, sometimes grief lasts long enough that it becomes depression. While grieving, a person may have times that they can think about their loved one and feel happiness about the time they shared or a good memory. But in depression, the person cannot pull out and enjoy life in any way. If this describes your husband, he may have depression.

 

It is important that your husband see his doctor. He most likely needs medication to help him. A mild anti depressant may be enough to get him to the point that he can start helping himself. If your husband will not go to the doctor, contact his doctor and let him/her know what is going on. Ask for advice on how you can help your husband.

 

You can also encourage him to see a counselor with you. Try again. He may be willing. If not, try a support group. He may be willing to participate in one online if he won't go in person. Here is a link to help you find a group:

 

http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/

 

There are also other resources to help:

 

The Worst Loss: How Families Heal from the Death of a Child by Barbara D. Rosof

 

In the Presence of Grief: Helping Family Members Resolve Death, Dying, and Bereavement Issues by Dorothy Stroh Becvar

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Let me know if I can help in any other way,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I am looking for a therapist in Joplin or Springfield, MO that we can go to. He has problems that go back to childhood with his father and brother. I am an enabler and have tried our whole married life to do things that he wants. The more I do the more he wants me to do. Because of this he does not put the time or effort into our business. We left an Insurance company that we were making 6 figures to being Independent and starting over because he did not like his district manager and what she wanted him to do. Making Money is not a big concern to him. He feels we can borrow whatever and has no worry about paying it back because he knows I will find a way. I could go on and on. I need help in deciding whether to let him go and start over at age 57 (scary) or salvage our marriage.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

It does sound like he leaves a lot of the burden on you. It is difficult to decide how to handle a situation like this and therapy is a great way to help you make the right choice. You can also try your church for counseling if you attend one, or the local community mental health also is an option.

 

Here are several therapists in Joplin for you to try:

 

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/state/MO/Joplin.html

 

And some in Springfield:

 

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/state/MO/Springfield.html

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5457
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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