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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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fiance is attracted to other men but not me...has felt this way for a while but now strong

Resolved Question:

fiance is attracted to other men but not me...has felt this way for a while but now stronger that she is pregnant...can she get it back? if so what should i do?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your fiancee does like you, but she has an issue with other men.

 

Usually when someone has trouble being faithful, there is an issue in their background that causes their infidelity. Often, there is some type of child abuse or neglect. Not getting important needs met causes some people to seek to fulfill the emptiness in relationships, especially inappropriate ones.

 

There could also be a personality disorder involved. Although it is hard to say for sure if your fiancee has one without talking to your fiancee face to face, people can develop manipulative and self centered behavior. This is usually the result of neglect or other unmet needs as a child.

 

If your relationship is to overcome this problem, your fiancee will need to acknowledge her behavior is wrong and be willing to work on it with you. If she is, then your chances of overcoming this is good. The main issue is trust. She needs to prove to you that she can be trusted again. Once you can reestablish trust, the basis for a good relationship is there.

 

It is important that you both see a therapist, together or apart, to work on this issue. It is preferable that you see someone together, but if she is not willing to go, then go without her. You need the support right now and someone to help you decide how to handle this.

 

To find a therapist, talk with your doctor for a referral. Or you can speak to your pastor, if you attend church. Pastors are often very good counselors and can help in situations like this. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

You can also work on this together at home. Here are some good resources to get you started:

 

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

 

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman

 

Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy by Frank Pittman

 

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

 

Let me know if I can help in any other way,

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Yes i told her about the trust and i do think i can trust her...she had been very shy and bottled up until about a year ago when she finished school...she really started to go through a change...she never drank at all and now, before getting pregnant, started going out and partying...she says she became much more secure with herself, and at first taht did scare me and i overreacted, thinking i did something wrong...but since i have accepted she just changed, and she doesnt want to go back to being insecure, and i dont want her to either....she really wants to get what we had back but is very pessimistic about it...she says she loves me like a family member and cant picture her life without me...i can hug her, give her back/foot rubs, she reaches to hold my hand, we can spoon in bed, and we can kiss a little...but as soon as it gets intimate, she gets weirded out...i stressed i dont want to pressure her, so i asked if i should totally stop trying...she said i can try but as soon as i realize she's not feeling it, to stop...this is hard because when im rubbing her back or feet or something, and we are in underwear in bed, i get turned on and want to start something...maybe i shouldnt put myself in those situations? we will look into counseling but is that very expensive? we have a new house and baby on the way and dont really have the extra money
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Thank you for the additional information. It helps.

 

Your fiancee may say she is feeling more secure in herself, but most people who feel more secure do not start going out and drinking. Nor do they start treat their fiances as family members. There is some issue going on here that needs worked out.

 

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to have a normal relationship with your fiancee. From your description, you are acting in a very normal way. She is not responding in a normal way which is where the problem is occurring.

 

You can see a therapist through your local community mental health center. Contact your local United Way for help finding low cost therapy. You can also contact the therapists you find through the link I provided and ask if they offer sliding fee scale if you pay out of pocket. Most therapists will try to work with you on cost. If they do not, find another one. Also, try through your insurance company.

 

If you attend church, your pastor or his/her staff may also offer low to no cost therapy. Most pastors have a lot of experience in helping couples through difficult times.

 

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I haven't heard from you. Did you have more questions or need clarification?

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
thanks for the follow up...just curious how long i have to leave this open maybe if she had a question?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You can leave this open for as long as you want. All you need to do is add another question as a reply to me and I will receive it.

 

However, JA experts will not continue a thread without the first question being accepted. We see any subsequent questions as separate. So many customers will keep the original question open and ask other questions, but they "accept" each question as it is answered so the expert can be reimbursed for their time.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
oh so i get charged for every additional response? sorry it did not say that...i appreciate your help, but i will only be accepting the first one...i am really sorry i did not know that...thank you again though
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

No you do not get charged for each additional response. For example, you will only pay once for this question (if you click accept). But if you want to leave this question open and ask additional questions at a later date, most customers are willing to reimburse the expert for the additional work. However if you do not accept the original question, most experts will not continue answering additional questions.

 

If you do not want to do that, you can always start a new question.

 

Kate

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
oh ok thanks...well i will accept this one for what you have done so far...i do appreciate the time...if i have anymore, like i said we are pretty tight on money right now lol, i will do follow ups in here...if you do not respond i totally understand, you are doing work...thanks again
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

You are welcome! Anytime I can help, let me know.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.