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Doctor Blake
Doctor Blake, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 146
Experience:  Ph.D., Ed.S., NCSP Clinical Psychologist; 15+ years of experience; dual licensure
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I have been married for 30 years and for the last six years

Resolved Question:

I have been married for 30 years and for the last six years my husband has not wanted sex with me.I feel humiliated(as I have tried to initiate it),hurt and resentful. I suspect he may have had or be having an affair but he refuses to admit to one.He loves his image as a caring thoughtful family man and i have pretended to everyone that all is good but inside I am now a complete mess.What should I do? I should add he has no medical issues and when washing his boxers there are regular traces of semen.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Doctor Blake replied 5 years ago.

Doctor Blake :

Good morning.

Doctor Blake :

Ahh. I see you have logged off.

Doctor Blake :

Well, here's what I would suggest: You have, obviously, two choices: (1) change your husband or (2) change yourself.

Doctor Blake :

Since it sounds like you have tried #1 and have not succeeded, it may be time to look at #2. (I mean, you can certainly continue to TRY to work on #1... but if your husband doesn't want to change, he won't!)

Customer:

What do you mean"change myself".?

Doctor Blake :

#2 is certainly trickier... and I'm certain you've been working on yourself throughout this time. But by "change yourself" I mean really one of several options: (a) stop worrying about sex altogether; (b) stop worrying about your husband's feeling about sex; (c) stay with your husband, but fulfill your sexual needs elsewhere; (d) leave your husband, and fulfill your sexual needs elsewhere.

Doctor Blake :

Am I correct in assuming that your husband is unwilling to attend couples therapy?

Doctor Blake :

Addressing #2 could well be "sorted out" in the context of a good relationship with a therapist, counselor, etc.

Customer:

Actually the actual sex is not the priority,its the insinuation that he no longer wants aphysical relationship that is insulting and hurtful.I have worked hard to keep myself attractive and do feel rejected

Doctor Blake :

Ahhh. This does clarify somewhat...

Doctor Blake :

...but I think it does harken back to the original question of: Who/what are you going to change? Since it's unlikely you'll be able to change your husband's behavior (not wanting a physical relationship), what needs to change is your reaction to his behavior.

Doctor Blake :

I read in your initial posting and in your chat posts... a sense of resentment and anger, which makes some sense.

Doctor Blake :

...but if this has been brewing for the last 6 years... it's time for YOU to make some changes in how to respond to your husband's behavior.

Doctor Blake :

Why should his behavior be viewed as "insulting?" Are you any less attractive because of his behavior?

Customer:

Rejection is always insulting.Anyway is this behaviour grounds for divorce?

Customer:

And yes I probably am less attractive because his behaviour makes my face set.

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