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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Everytime my partner and I argue, she orders me out of her

Resolved Question:

Everytime my partner and I argue, she orders me out of her house, tells me she cannot be with a person like me, slams the door in my face, tells me to get my things out of her house (I have a very nice house also), or that we are breaking up.


 


She has probably done this twenty times so far in the last four years. I just leave camly and we don't talk for weeks until she comes back and says "I don't know why I get back with you" - or that she "didn't really mean it - don't I know that she loves me?" I tell her, these actions are not an appropriate way to resolve a problem - it is not fair fighting - and that I am the one making the mistake by letting her back.


 


I feel this is no different than if she was a male beating his wife or girlfriend - it is abusive. I feel sick to my stomach every time this happens. I become depressed, can't work....    My trust in her has dropped to zero.  I have withdrawn emotionally, and she has no idea why. 

Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your partner has anger issues. She also does not seem to see this as an problem since she is willing to treat you the way she does and not try to make amends. The lack of insight makes it difficult to resolve, since she needs to recognize she has a problem before she can work on it.

 

You are right, this is abusive. Making you leave the relationship (and the home) every time she is very angry is inappropriate. It is also emotionally abusive. Needing time apart after an argument is ok, but not to this extreme.

 

What you can do all depends on whether or not your partner is willing to work on this issue. Does she seem willing to talk about why she gets so angry? Is there something in her background that triggers her outbursts? A childhood spend witnessing abuse or extreme marital problems with her parents could be a factor. Getting to the root of the problem helps her put the feelings where they belong, in the past. So when she gets angry, she will know why and be able to diffuse it faster.

 

Since she is a therapist, she does understand the need to seek therapy when you are faced with an unresolvable problem. Suggest to her that you both go to therapy to work this out. Choose a therapist that she does not know or has not heard of. It is better if she has no influence while in therapy. There is too much risk that it will create an imbalance of power in her favor and therapy will not work.

 

She also can find a way to stop herself from becoming so upset she loses control. Use a signal or some type of agreed upon sign that you both agree on that will help her stop and remove herself from the argument before she gets too angry.

 

However, if your partner will not see her anger as an issue and will not work with you, you may have to decide what you want to do about the relationship yourself. Before you decide, you may want to seek counseling yourself. You can get a referral through your doctor, or if you attend church, your pastor could help. You can also search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/.

 

Seeking counseling can help you be sure that you are making the right decision for you. You do not want to leave the relationship with doubts about whether or not you made the right choice.

 

Let me know if I can help in any other way,

Kate

 

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

Thanks. I don't even mention the incidents to my friends anymore, I am too embarassed; and they think that I am the one with the problems for enduring this.

 

I have shown her many examples of "couples fair fighting rules" that all stress the need to not threaten a divorce or break-up every time there is an argument. She does not "get it".

 

I don't go back to her when she kicks me out of the house or tells me to pick up my things, because I stubborn and I also don't want to encourage her to treat me like this. I just go on and am miserable. No one has ever done this to me.

 

I have seen a therapist, and his advice - over time - was the same as yours - unless she understands that this is an issue, I need to forget her. He also said that I should not take her back the next time she shows up. I need to "walk my talk" - set boundaries - if she ever does show up again.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. It was helpful to see it in writing.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 3 years ago.

I agree with the your therapist. Your partner has put you in a difficult and painful position. But it could still turn out to be a positive outcome if you do choose to set boundaries and not take her back. It may be the push she needs to see her behavior as a problem. Because if she does not, she will never be able to have a normal relationship.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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