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psychlady
psychlady, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 6892
Experience:  Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of a variety of mental health issues.
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Hello, hoping for some advice on how to communicate during

Customer Question

Hello, hoping for some advice on how to communicate during sex. I have been in a relationship for a few years. My boyfriend is very verbal in the bedroom, and wants and needs the same from me. I freeze up when he asks me to verbalize / talk about sex with him. We have amazing attraction and I enjoy how open he is, but it interferes with my ability to reach orgasm, when I can't provide on the spot feedback. When we talk after sex, I still can't say certain words he wants so badly to hear from me.

He has been asking for a while, and I feel as if it is a gift I want to be able to give him. I want us both to have a fulfilled sex life as we are thinking of spending our lives together. He feels if we can't communicate in the bedroom, it will work against us later in the relationship. He has been so patient... now I begin to feel anxious before we have sex. I have tried many things... saying the words while alone, in front of a mirror, I just FREEZE I love when he talks to me, and want to give him the same pleasure. He wants names for our parts, and an occasional f word for fun. I went to a therapist where I spent 5 sessions and ran out of money and time. I have a successful career, came from a loving family and have never been abused, just painfully shy talking about sex. Others have said your partner shouldn't try to change you... I disagree and want so badly to join him in the dirty talk and communicate in the bedroom. Right now I can't even tell him when it feels good. Looking for a way to work on this with him and improve an already good sex life ! Open to all suggestions

Thank you for your time !
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

I don't want to upset you but the problem may be that you can't really get more comfortable with this because it is not in your nature. I don't' encourage either partner to do things in the bedroom that they are uncomfortable with. I know you want to do it and that's fine but if you are anxious doing this it may not be something that will happen. When you are so uncomfortable that you can't experience pleasure then it is interrupting the experience. Find out how important this is to him. He might really feel like it would be pleasurable but it is not essential. You may be focusing on this and in time it may become easier for you. I don't think he is trying to change you but I think he has a desire that may not be possible right now. Talk to him about how necessary this is. Maybe he is fine with just doing it himself.

 

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