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David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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Hi Duddy, Id like to follow up with another question, if I

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Hi Duddy, I'd like to follow up with another question, if I may. My wounds - a very rejecting, hostile father, and a cold, non-bonding, passive aggressive mother, seem to most obviously manifest themselves in my not having been able to have very many relationships with men - consciously or unconsciously, over the years, I can see that closeness with men threatened to bring up pain from both side of the equation, and so I sabotaged. Over the years of course, I have gradually dealt with different layers of the pain. But the EFT approach seems to deal more with people already in relationship, whereas my problem is getting into one in the first place. And right now, I don't have the time or energy to go into counseling again. So how would you adapt this to my situation? Thanks.

Duddy :

Hello....

Duddy :

To be honest I'd have to work with you in a professional counseling relationship over a number of sessions to do comprehensive screening and clinical interviewing to fully understand your situation. The second part of your question related to adapting EFT treatment principals to benefit your situation, independent of EFT therapy is a question in itself, worthy of a very detailed analysis. I'm not sure that this kind of simple question and answer format, which does not permit counseling or therapy would allow for such a response anyway.

Duddy :

Do you have a more specific question that I can work at providing you an answer to?

Customer:

Well, first, let me thank you for acknowledging the limitations of this format, and not trying to exceed them. That is very helpful. Do you think I can make EFT work for me? If not, what would you suggest as the best strategy?

Customer:

Also, I have light form bipolar, and am generally a fairly impatient person. May go along with aging and peri-menopause as well. And am quite independent. But I notice that I am not remotely as willing to tolerate retard-o behaviour from men as a lot of women around me. Do you think a lot of women just do? Or is my combo of "detachment order" (my joke), light bi-polarity, high intelligence, and a generally independent, impatient personality the reason for this?

Customer:

I realize that I'm just asking for opinion, and you don't know me from Adam, but I like to hear people's off the hip reactions and opinions.

Duddy :

You are a wonderful writer!

Duddy :

It's very obvious reading what you've written here that you are incredibly intelligent, creative, sensitive and insightful. You'd make a wonderful client to any counselor or therapist. To completely transparent with you, my orientation is primarily behavioral and cognitive behavioral as far as counseling goes....

Duddy :

If I were working with you in counseling I would explore your fit with my orientation and ask about how comfortable you felt working with me....

Duddy :

If you accepted working with me, I'd want to suspend assumptions and see what we could do in the present to improve your quality of life through the tools and strategies I work with in the present. Sound's to me like you might do just wonderfully in a more narrative or perhaps psycho-dynamic partnership (with a very experienced and well trained therapist).

Duddy :

I'm the kind of counselor who works better with behavioral observation and cognitive behavioral journals. I don't feel comfortable giving off the cuff responses without enough hard data; - and that may be an oxymoron!

Customer:

Yes, I did work for some time with a very good psycho--dynamic therapist, and we made good headway. But right now I don't have the energy - energy issues, and especially people energy, have been a big hampering factor on developing relationships, and doing stuff like counseling over the past several years. So I have to figure out how to heal myself in life as lived - at work, and via friendships here and there, and through some at church.

Duddy :

Sounds like you're on the right track to me.

Customer:

Well I am pretty good at figuring things out, but lately I have become impatient with things as are, the status quo seems increasingly intolerable to me.

Customer:

But I mean, do you get that my mom, who basically made me invisible, and treated me as a non-sexual being, her impact is still very present for me, and I have to get to the bottom of it, I can't go on this way any more.

Duddy :

I hear you very clearly. That incredibly well expressed sentence is loaded with some great thought provoking content. If this were counseling, I'd ask you to elaborate on what you mean by invisible, and non-sexual being. I can sense that your current feelings of presence for those experiences are quite profound.

Customer:

How about this one? (This is a mother who can't really cope; very limited skills at the emotional part of being a mother, and zero interest in dealing with her own wounds, which come from similar.) By age 17, have not yet started menstruating, so we take me to an expert to see what's up. Come back for the results, and he says, "There's nothing wrong with her. It's stress." We walk out, and guess what happens? Nothing. Frozen in the ground.

Customer:

That's pretty much a stresser, if you know what I mean, when you're 17.

Duddy :

As a male counselor, I am limited in my capacity to fully empathize with such an experience, but even still, I agree, stresser is a good word. That must have been very difficult for someone of that age.

Customer:

I think it's the invisibility, the non-action - I mean, that's sort of called "becoming a woman" you know, starting to menstruate, and to have its frozenness being treated as nothing - to treat the whole thing with silence, is pretty bad - I mean, there's the obvious question of "Why is she under so much stress?", since there wasn't anything obviously stressful in my life, but then that we would treat the consequences as though they didn't exist, that's pretty bad. I mean, imagine if it were you as a teenage boy, and you couldn't have an erection or ejaculate, and play the script out from there.....

Customer:

Will step away for a sec, but coming right back....

Duddy :

Ok

Duddy :

I noticed you've been offline for sometime. When you post a reply here I get an e-mail to let me know you're back. If I don't see a reply shortly, I'll check back tomorrow morning for your response.

Customer:

Oh, I left because you were offline, so just let me know when you are online. but to add to what I was saying before, the pressure was the silence, you know the don't feel, don't think, don't talk, because that was what mom could handle, and being isolated in that because I was the only girl, and no one knew or could see what was going on.

Customer:

And that's what I'm crying about now, how alone I was in that.

Duddy :

I got the e-mail. I'll just read for a few seconds...

Duddy :

I'm very sorry to read these things and that you're going through what you're going through here.

Duddy :

Again I'm not sure I can be of much help here in this question and answer context. Have you considered online counseling?

Duddy :

Are you still online?

Duddy :

I'm online going to be on tonight for about another 10 minutes or so. I hope to hear shortly that you're doing ok....

Duddy :

Well, I'm off for the night. I hope you're doing alright. I'll check back in the morning for your next response. - Duddy

Customer:

Oh, I'm fine, just processing. Didn't know there was online counseling. Which links do you recommend?

Customer:

Want to just do "Q&A"? I have unlimited subscr, so you get paid, and I can go on.

Duddy :

Hi again. As far as online or any other counseling goes, I'd contact your previous therapist or your physician for suggestions given your depression.

Duddy :

As far as Q&A I don't mind as a long as you have straight forward questions that I can answer with after a short exchange, as per the design and intent of this site.

Duddy :

The pattern here so far, is that you're more venting or disclosing issues that your thinking about and "processing" etc, which, in itself is wonderful for someone to do. Yet more related to a counseling or therapy session than JustAnswer.com. Please let me know your thoughts and how you'd like to proceed.

Customer:

Well, I'll accept this for now, and think about this a little more.

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