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Ask Eleanor, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience:  Marriage & Family Therapist/Prof. Counselor for 20 years
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My wife got a massage from a male masseur the day before our

Resolved Question:

My wife got a massage from a male masseur the day before our wedding. While it may seem trivial. It is driving me insane and is tearing our brief marriage apart. I wish I could deal with it in rational manner but I just can't. She insists that it was only a massage. I beleive that it was more that. I beleive she just wanted the touch of another man. How can I stop being so destructive to our relationship? She has never given me a reason to doubt her during a very long unmarried relationship. No have I ever demonstated any jealousy before.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 3 years ago.

Ask Eleanor :

Hello, I am here for you and am happy to respond. I want to ask you a couple of very simple questions. Why are you letting this man, this masseur, continue to take up so much of your energy? Afterall he is not paying you to take up space in your brain, is he? And why are you giving him so much power in your marital relationship?

Customer:

Good questions. I just don't understand it myself. My wife is agreat woman .Liked by all.

Ask Eleanor :

Are you obessive about anything else in your life, or have you ever been?

Customer:

Yes at times I have been obsessive. I have had a very challenging year. My salvation has been my relationship. So somehow I feel it has been compromised( in my mind). I felt so betrayed because the event occured on the eve of oue wedding and se could have chosen a woman.

Ask Eleanor :

I can understand how this could bother you, but betrayed is a very strong word, more associated with an affair. Did she explain why she chose a male massage therapist?

Customer:

I agree but that is the way I feel even though intellectually I don't feel Justified. Emotionally I can accept it. She said she had a male massuer because that was whar was available.

Ask Eleanor :

I understand, what you feel is what you feel. Did someone else important in your life betray you?

Customer:

I meant that emotionally I can't accept it.

Customer:

Yes my first wife.

Ask Eleanor :

Did she have an affair?

Customer:

Yes

Ask Eleanor :

Well, this is certainly magnifying your feelings. Have you been able to really talk with your wife about you feelings?

Customer:

Yes I have epressed all my concerns. But it always deteriorates into angry accusations. She has apologized profusely and has withstood all my angry outbursts. She said she understand my anger and hurt feelings but she cannot take back what happened even if she wishes desperately she could. What can I do to curb my anger and not feel so humiliated. I love her .

Ask Eleanor :

First you need to understand that emotions know no time. Therefore when something happens similar to a traumatic or emotionally damaging event from the past, our brains go right back to those first emotions. It is thus, very important that you be able to recognize that your reactive emotions are initially beyond your control, you are going to feel them. You do have a choice as to what you do with those emotions. The first questions I asked you are an example of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. CBT works well in helping us to control unwanted emotions as it engages the more highly developed, rational part of our brains. I know of an online CBT program that offers help with anger. Would you be interested?

Customer:

Yes how does it work

Ask Eleanor :

I am going to paste in the link. Take a look and then chat back.


http://www.online-therapy.com

Customer:

I'm not sue it will help. I'll reflect on it. One last question. Speaking as a woman and therepist please be brutally honest about this obssesion . Am i so wrong in feeling the way I do about this incident . Do you think there were any sexual emotioms behind the selection of a male masseur?

Customer:

Would you as a marrid or commited woman get a massage from a man.

Ask Eleanor :

One moment, I'll be right with you.

Ask Eleanor :

You are not wrong in your feelings, but they are, in my professional opinion, much too intense for the situation (I explained why that may be above). And yes, I would get a massage from a male massage therapist. Afterall men get massages from female massages all the time, don't they? How do you see that as different?

Ask Eleanor :

Massage Therapy is afterall a licensed profession.

Customer:

I'n not sure they are different. I unfortunately do not relish the thought of having a man grope my wife in a darkened room where she is barely coverd with a sheet. I certainly would not want one of my male friends rubbing my wife thighs

Ask Eleanor :

Yes, but it is a professional, not a friend. Take another look at the Online Therapy. If that does not seem to be a good fit for you then I strongly recommend that you and your new wife enter couples counseling with a Marriage and Family Therapist. You may find MFTs where you live at www.TherapistLocator.net. Do you have any further questions?

Customer:

No. Thank you for your help. How dowe conclude with payment?

Ask Eleanor :

You are very welcome. You pay me by clicking on the green accept button. Thank you. You may return to this Q&A for reference at any time after you accept. I has been my pleasure to chat with you, good luck and take care, Eleanor

Ask Eleanor, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience: Marriage & Family Therapist/Prof. Counselor for 20 years
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