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Kristin
Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience:  Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
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Hi, i am dealing with this nasty feeling to revenge, to hirt

Customer Question

Hi, i am dealing with this nasty feeling to revenge, to hirt ,my husband, to backstab him.
Our relationship is on the edge. Im afraid to loose him as loosing him i understand that i will loose everything i have.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Hello and thank you for your question.

 

Has your husband done something to hurt you recently? Are you two on the verge of separating or divorcing? What is going on in the marriage that is making you feel this revenge towards him? Are you wanting to stay in the marriage? Thank you for the additional info.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

when we started relationship i was not truly honest to him. after i moved from uk to canada to live together i had to tell him that there were flirt relationship between me and someone else when i was still in uk. he was badly hurt so he was hurting me with stupid jealoucy, and humiliating me in a way that i dont know anything, i have no experience as im 14 years younger, what can i know more than him. now 3 years later he has changed a lot. he decided that past is past and he has to let it go as we will not succeed if we bring the past with us. he has helped me and my a lot. i am learning family values from him as my parents didnt teach me and my sisters nothing and all what i saw my parents drinking and fighting all the time. but with the way he was towards me he opened the doors for me to treat him perhaps even worst than he was to me. whan i get upset i just cant stop. i wasnt to hurt him more and more

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Our relationship is on the edge. he said he dont want to loose me but enough is enough. i need a good advice how to save our marriage. i need to make good decidion but i dont know how? i dont know how to support him when he has got a bad day? i dont know how to be a couple?
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

Okay, I understand what is happening. Your husband is now ready to put the past behind you and move forward, but you are still feeling hurt and resentment for the way he humiliated you, due to his own jealousy and hurt etc.

I understand why these feelings would be there for you, as obviously his choice to be hurtful in response to his own hurt, is destructive and harmful, rather than helpful.

That being said, the cycle of destruction does need to stop somewhere. And so, even though you feel like hurting him again in reaction, this just continues this vicious cycle and only hurts you both in the long run.

What I would really suggest you both do, is agree to letting go of the past and the hurt and starting anew from this day forward. However, you could really benefit from some counseling either together as a couple, or even by yourself so that you can work through and resolve this lingering revenge and hurt you feel towards him. That is what I suggest you do, so that you are able to move into a more positive and healthy relationship with him, with a clean slate.

When he has a bad day, you tell him that you can see he is feeling stressed and then bring him a nice drink or a dinner, etc. allow him some space to just relax and be alone if needed, or ask him what you could do to make him feel better. you need to remember the good things about the marriage, and not focus on the hurt you each have caused one another. even if you don't feel like it, be nurturing and affectionate and do one nice thing for each other every day, and say one nice thing, or what you appreciate about him so that he knows you still value him.

I would suggest you seek out a counselor in your area soon, without delay. Please click ACCEPT button for this answer, and feel free to continue discussion even after clicking accept. Thank you.

Kristin, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 453
Experience: Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!
Kristin and 2 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I always thought that its ok if couples have different views, but somehow in this relationship i dont feel free to talk about my views. he is telling me to feel free to talk but i do not feel that way. he has got very strong character, whereas im very week. so when he starts talking about family, business or anuthing else i feel so small that i barely can tell my oppinions, because often it created the arguments (specially if it comes to children - he has got 9, 11 and 16 years old from his 1st marriage) so i just stau quite. or often when i do say my oppinion he says i do not support him. it is really hard for me to support him if i dont find ir right the way he thinks or the way he is. i have no patience at all to explain the things to him. that makes everything even worst. for me is easier to blow everything up instead of working hard on the relationship. he is very stron character person, he needs strong woman beside him but i do not know how

 

Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

So, it's important that you do not get in the habit of just staying silent. Go ahead and talk and speak your mind and if you two disagree, instead of it turning to an argument, you can say well we just don't agree on this, and that is okay.

 

You can tell him, just because you have a different opinion doesn't mean you don't support him. I really would advise the two of you to seek out marriage counseling so you can work on communication styles and just overall issues. You can call your doctor in your area and ask for a referral to a good marriage therapist, and even a few sessions could really help. Thank you and best wishes!

Customer: replied 3 years ago.

When he is telling that this relationship is making him depressed, sick, he is loosing a lot (financially and material things) it hurts me a lot even i see that that is true. instead of changing the situation i want to destroy everything, i dont care about us and after that i deeply regret. the worst thing is that i dont know how to solve the problems between us. how can i put more passion into the relationship and show my love without fear. what to do when everything is gone wrong and not to meake even worst? how to make the righr decidion and stay tough on it? how to keep to be focused into our relationship. whatever he does ( even if he does stupid or wrong) i do know that he does with intentions towars me . why i can not do the same?

 

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Ive asked him already to see the therapist together. he does not believe that the therapist would hepl us. he does not want to talk about my past to nobody. so only thing i could do is to see thye therapist myself. however i did went to see psychologist already 2 years ago.
Expert:  Kristin replied 3 years ago.

okay I think it would be a good idea for you to see a counselor or therapist just by yourself so that you can feel more supported in your day to day life. It doesn't matter if you have already seen one before. you could still really benefit from seeing one now...

there are too many dynamics and feelings/thoughts you have to figure this all out now. you really need to seek out counseling and stay with it...best wishes to you!

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Kristin
Kristin
Mental Health Professional
453 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Mental Health Counselor. 11+ years specialist in mental health. Expertise and insight!