Hello and thank you for your question.
I can certainly hear how upset you are about this man, and how attached you feel to him. I was wondering what was the extent of your relationship with him, prior to him leaving? Were you two dating, or a couple or friends? What was the nature of your relationship to him and did he at one time, have feelings for you, and you didn't tell him yours or did he never have these kinds of feelings for you? Please provide additional info. so I can best help you with this situation...
thanks so much for helping Kristin.
Well, we were never in a relationship. I could say we were just friends, but that does not even seem to touch it for me. A friend is someone you spend time with, and he barely spent any time with me. I met him at a new church which I am in now, and he was a bible worker. It was a concern to me that he was 29 years of age while I am still 19, but I always prefered mature men to inexperienced ones, and my father and mother have a 12 year age gap anyway. I had hoped the aquaintance with him could develop well from there, and it did seem at first like he had some interest in me, at least as a person, but a while after that he never gave me the time of day. Every week I would see him, and he would leave church before anyone else usually.
So, no, he has never had any feelings for me, unfortunately, and I never told him my feelings because I did not have any confidence that things would turn out well if I did. It was like I was always just somebody who happened to exist for him, and he never tried to get to know me better, not even as a friend. I have tried everything I could to gain his attention, like ignoring him for a time, talking to him over the phone rarely, and just being seen for heaven's sake, but of course nothing has worked. Then I found out a couple of months ago that he was leaving to another state in the country, and it was just too much for me inside, even though I kept a cheerful facade to everyone. Just a week ago I called him because I was having so many problems that I needed to talk to someone I trusted, and since I have no one other than my mother, who sometimes makes me feel I cannot make her understand me, I called him. We had a meaningful talk, he learnt really important things about me, I was nice the whole time and was really respectful, as I always felt around him. After that conversation, I realized that not only did I love him, but I also wanted to marry him someday. That does sound really great, but it has been a week, he has not called to ask how I am doing with my situation, and I am reduced to being a nothing to him again. It really makes me wonder how a man can be so carefree about another person, and now my mom is getting the impression that men in the new church are somewhat uncaring. I am not popular on facebook, so I doubt that updating will score me any points with him once he sees how nobody comments on my posts. So now I am in a dead rut, I feel, and I cannot get over him whom I decided a week ago I would marry if given the chance.
Anyway, sorry for giving a long description, but I felt you needed as much information as possible. Let me know if you need any more answers. Thanks so much!
It looks to me like you had a good friendship with him. It does not look like you were nothing to him but like he seen you as a friend and he cared about you. Friendships are important and I think you are learning through this what you want in a relationship though this friendship. You want someone kind who will listen to you and will be your friend. Sometimes our minds confuse things. It may be time to grief the relationship that you hoped for but was not. You wanted more than friendship he show you as a friend. Look it happens to many people is one of the most common experiences and it does hurt. I am sorry about your pain.
Let me know if any of this makes sense.
This is Kristin, the first therapist to respond to your initial question. Thank you so much for providing the detailed information and for expressing yourself so well. I think that what is happening here for you is that you met this man, found him very attractive and appealing and truly, without knowing him very well, you felt strong emotions for him. This is more like an infatuation, than actual love at this stage, though I know it feels like love for you. Meaning, that if you started to know him better and actually spend time with him and maybe even dated him, you might easily find out traits that he has, or something about him that you don't even like. And then, the infatuation can shift into just feeling neutral about him.
So, you are projecting alot of things onto him, such as how he would be as a boyfriend, or now also a husband, without really knowing this man well enough to consider marrying him! In fact, as you said, he did not even check on how you are doing, though you reached out to him as a confidante with some issues. So again, you know him very little and this love/infatuation is more based on your "fantasy or idea" of him overall. That being said your attraction is real, but you cannot know if you would ever really want to marry him for example, without actually really knowing him well, etc. So, it will be helpful for you to keep those ideas in perspective.
It does sound like from his end of things, he does not see you as a potential romantic interest, and don't take that personally as it happens to each and every one of us. And he may also feel that you are too young for him. Regardless of the reason, it does not look mutual. If, you do feel like you cannot bear the idea of him not knowing you have these feelings, then you could always tell him you feel this way about him, would like to know him better and see what he says.
Also, your "attachment" to him could in part be due to some loneliness you are feeling and it may be a good idea to date more (maybe through the church, or even Christian based online dating) and so on, socialize more with friends etc.
I'm sorry that you are feeling this heartache right now and again want to assure you it's a common experience to have unreturned attraction and or love, and you will get over this in time, especially now that he is in another area. Please do click ACCEPT button for this answer, and feel free to continue the discussion with me, even after clicking accept. Thank you!
thanks. Maybe I've always known it was not a practical thing for me to do, to start loving a man even when he has never been there for me, but when it's been spelt out to me like that, it just hits home. It's true that I have been lonely for most of my life; everytime I see or do things which make me happy, I find myself wishing there was someone there to share the experience with, and everytime I get sad, I wish there was someone to relate to me. The lack of family warmth in my past is greatly responsible for this I know. I just feel so confused now, because I know how I felt before, but now this answer is confusing me and telling me that it was all just a less significant feeling. I know I have not known much about him, but he was always a good man with a lot of the right traits for me, and I have always been unhappy that he never wanted to give anything more a chance. Maybe the feeling got desperate as the months went by, I'm not exactly sure. I only know that I wanted to make him happy, and that I have always striven to do right by him as a person. Maybe I wanted someone as an equal in my life so much I chose him and put too much hope in the idea. Also, maybe the fact that there are precious few men of my type in the church added to the issue. After all, I cannot date or marry outside the faith, and that just makes the pool smaller for me. I doubt any other good man for me will appear anytime soon in the church, and if they do, it will just be as a bible worker or visitor, and they will leave like my man did. Do you think I should just give up the idea of having someone for awhile? How can I ease the pain, and how can I get over him when he's obviously on my facebook?
Thanks, and thanks for your help.
Your feelings for him are real for you, and if you felt something significant for him, then that was real for you as well. However, to take it to the level of you wanting to marry him, etc is based on your idea of him, rather than truly knowing him. So I want to be clear that your feelings were real and significant.
You can take him off your facebook, by taking him off as your friend.
You don't need to give up on the idea of having someone. Try to keep an open mind and positive attitude about meeting potential mates even within your faith, through social clubs, interest groups and activities, and even online dating, and so on. Also, you could always let him know how you feel about him, and see what he says. Perhaps hearing an answer from him will also provide closure and allow you to move forward, whether he says the feeling is mutual or not, it could provide you with an answer either way. And then you won't have to feel like you should have said something, but did not.
Hope this helps!