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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2568
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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I am having a very difficult time in the fact that my fiance

Customer Question

I am having a very difficult time in the fact that my fiance goes to private lunches with her boss who is a man. She says it is business. I say if business why is it not done at work why does it have to be over a lunch? I am trying to work out if i am been over possesive, or are my feelings on this been wrong ligitimate. It feels as though my personal space reserved for my fiance and me only is been invaded. Please help me out by given me your thoughts on this.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Norman M. replied 5 years ago.

In the absence of any other indication of infidelity, I think that perphaps you are making too much out of this.

As you know, sometime a business luch gives some quiet time in which sensitive issues can be discussed away from the office - it is by no means a an indication of anything untoward.

The fact is, you DO need to trust her. She is not a bird to be caged, and what kind of relationship are you going to have in the future if there is no trust between you?

Look at this as a learning process for both of you - for her to lunch with someone else and still stay faithful to you, and for you to learn that she is worthy of your trust. After all, I think you probably expect her to take you at your word, don't you?

I suspect that some of your thinking comes from an insecurity about your relationship which is a bit unrealistic, and for that reason, I’m going to suggest that you would benefit from some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also causes the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,

the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx

If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm

Also, there is a book called ”Feeling good - the new mood therapy” by Dr. David Burns. It has a hand book which gives you practical exercises to work through and further instructions on how to better use CBT. I really do recommend it.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies By Rhena Branch, Rob Willson is also pretty good.

Best wishes to you both, NorrieM

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