Gerald, Thank you for your patience--I had a full day in my private practice today and couldn't get to the computer till now. And thank you for the added information. It helps a lot. I believe I can now be of help with this issue.
First, let me say I can imagine how overwhelming this situation must be for you. Sexuality is very complex in human beings. It is not just a physical need and response. In fact the physical aspects of human sexuality are very minor. And your situation exemplifies this very much. Sexuality is extremely complex for you.
And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. You are clearly a good man who has battled childhood psychological and emotional difficulties. And these childhood difficulties don't just go away as we grow up and mature and become older. They stay and they develop and they create difficulties for us in how we function. So while the physical pain and suffering and fear of the abuse and mis-parenting ends, the psychological and emotional parts affect us as long as we don't work on them.
And working on these "holdover" feelings and abuse and misunderstandings and bad parenting, etc. really needs to be done in psychodynamic or psychoanalytical therapy. Because for you there is so much dysfunction in your sexual feelings , thinking, and performance.
The sexual feelings that revolve around your mother that haven't developmentally been resolved and the other sexual difficulties are not things that can be worked on with little "tips" and suggestions that you can apply to your life. You need to do what is called "deep psychotherapy".
And you need to do it wit a very experienced psychologist. Maybe a psychotherapist who is not a full psychologist will be fine but he/she would have to be extremely experienced. And most therapists who do deep psychodynamic and psychoanalysis have psychologist degrees.
So Gerald, here is the web address for Psychology Today's therapist directory. You can sort by zip codes and when you see someone who seems like they might be helpful (they show you a photo of the therapist!) look at the listing and see if they list psychodynamic or psychoanalytical therapy in their orientations. I would prefer you find someone who does psychoanalysis.
Gerald, interview the psychoanalyst and make sure he/she is experienced and shares your values and you feel comfortable and confident in him/her. Because this is very deep psychological work you will be undertaking.
I wish you the very best!
First, let me say I can imagine how overwhelming this situation must be for you. On the one hand your 28 year old needs help not only for his present symptoms but for ongoing problems all the way from his youth. But on the other hand he has resisted help.
And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about.